So...to continue my last post...here is what happened that finally brought me some peace in my grief.
My cousin, the (amazing, kind, compassionate, and gifted) counselor, said, "There are some things we could do to help you. It won't take away your grief, but we can help you from drowning in it. Do you want to?"
Yes. Oh yes please.
She took me inside and had me hold out my arm. She had me say, "My name is Jayme." And then she tried to push my arm down. And she couldn't. Then she had me say, "I am a boy." I couldn't keep my arm up that time. For anything.
As I understand it...you subconscious mind controls your heartbeat, breathing, and muscle activation and deactivation. So...if your subconscious mind really knows the truth...it appropriately activates and deactivates your muscles in response to stimulus. And in this case -- the stimulus was her questioning me in relation to my grief.
(I could be explaining this so badly it might even be untrue...but its how I got it.)
She prayed first for us...and then quietly...so I couldn't even really hear her...would ask me things. And she so gently and kindly reminded me that Satan wants to feed us lies, to keep us in bondage. And if Satan could get me believing lies...especially about Gary and Kim's death...my grief would be turned into a prison. She was so patient and kind and compassionate. She one at a time found the lies I was believing...and helped me to break them. Or helped me to let the Spirit break them. It was really a much more spiritual thing than a physical one.
She was soooo gifted by the Lord at this.
She would ask me things...that my arm indicated to be true...that I wouldn't have been able to straight out tell you was true. For example, if you asked me if I was mad at Gary and Kim...I would have said, "Of course not. Sometimes things just happen and its no ones fault." (Front Brain response) However, my subconscious answered, "I need to forgive Gary and Kim for dying." I couldn't keep my arm from betraying my deepest thoughts. ARGGGGGGGGGG! Laura was sitting right there with me...and it was a horrific experience (and really comforting and good) having to admit in front of her that I was mad at them for dying on me...and really I was mad at Gary for not stopping and spending the night in Pratt. Or say...mad at God. If you asked me...I would have said..."No. I'm not mad. He has a plan. And he is good...and I'm ok with his plan."
I wouldn't have been able to say...
"I need permission to be happy again. I can't be happy again and honor Gary and Kim."
--Lie.
"I am a bad person if I am happy."
--Lie.
"I am never ever ever ever again going to be ok."
--Lie.
"I have to be responsible for the survival of my family. It is my job to keep them safe and keep something like this from happening to them. I have to keep them alive."
--Lie.
Truths she gave me:
The only way to honor Gary and Kim, is to live fully and enjoy my girls and my husband. Gary and Kim loved my girls...and enjoyed them. Enjoying my girls honors them. Not by being devastated forever.
I will be ok. Because God is a good God whose love is healing and powerful and amazing. And I WILL be ok. And they would want me to be ok.
I am not a bad person for being happy. God gave us our families...and I am hanging onto all the super fun things to do in the fall with my kids.
God is responsible for my family not me. He holds life in HIS hands not mine.
Each time she found a lie in my heart, she would have me say, "I reject the lie that...." And then she would very gently replace that lie with truth. God's truth. I was so not hearing truth...I was hearing lies. And some of those rejections were really really really hard for me to say. And sometimes I still have to remind myself what is lie and what is truth. But now that I am not bound by those lies...I am so much better...and am beginning to think there is a light...at the end of my tunnel (thank you L) and that one day...he will restore all my joy.
She also did some cool stuff to help allll the parts of my brain to work on the problem of their death. Not just my emotions. My logic too. And since we store emotion in our bodies...she helped clear out allllll the yuck...and put in some good.
I am soooooo much better. And I'm ok with being better. Woooo. My heart still hurts...and I miss them soooo much. But I would say...I don't feel tortured anymore.
So to echo Laura, .... DON'T BELIEVE THE LIES!!!!!!!! Although...its helpful to identify the lie first. :)
Even though you had told me all this, it was still good to read it and be able to re-read and ponder it. I am so glad your cousin was able to help you!! I can tell a difference even in your demeanor. You are precious to me!!
ReplyDeleteLove you more than chocolate chickens--Mom
I'm so glad C was there to take you through that. I really wanted to stay with you and be with you through the session, but the fussy boy would have distracted you. I'm glad Laura was there with you, too...and thank you so much for sharing all of it...I understand SO much better what you have been going through, and I'm so glad that you were able to identify and squash the lies. =)
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you had such a good experience! I pray that you continue to heal!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to hear about this experience, so glad that you've shared with all of us, and I'm really proud of you for being willing to move on....and talk to your cousin. We miss you guys a ton and can't wait to see you....we'll be home tomorrow!
ReplyDeletewow, this is amazing. It makes so much sense and yet I could have never gotten there on my own either. Praise God that He put such an incredible person in your life to be an agent of His healing.
ReplyDeleteOk, I'm going to read and re-read this post... I'm in awe of your cousin and her "technique" (for lack of a better word). This is really one of the most incredible things I've ever heard, in reference to healing, spiritual or emotional or otherwise. Does your cousin make house calls to Vegas? :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you so, so much for sharing this with us.
Great post. You do include interesting facts about the subconscious mind and how it works. Do check out http://www.subconscious-mind.org, they have a whole host of interesting and helpful articles. Also,maybe you can use some tips here.
ReplyDeleteThis is so special. I am happy for you, that you have begun to heal and stopped listening to the lies you didn't even know were there.
ReplyDeleteI will never forget that night for as long as I live...and I hope I never forget all the details about it. It was amazing. C truly has a gift, and I love how she uses it to help people and to honor God. Wow, such a night of healing.
ReplyDeleteWow I typed a whole response and didn't realize I had to have an account to do so then created an account and it erased my message so to make a long comment short I am so pumped you were able have this expierence. I have been blessed to use this technique often since we have lived in Manhattan and I believed God has used this to heal many areas in my life. This technique is also handy for testing to see if items are healthy for you or not such as food items, soap detergent etc. Great technique for kids. Luv you girl, thanks for sharing your life with me! So glad I took the time to read your blogs, never bloged or read blogs awesome way to connnect. Better get to bed. Bye for now.
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