We interrupt this blog:

For nearly a year of healing, restoring, joy finding, and recovery. I'm back in. Turns out some of what I was looking for I already had.

One Year Ago...

Well. I have been thinking about this post for about a year. I have been writing it in my head for a year. But nothing I think of in my head is what I want to say.

This week last year is maybe the most detailed experience in my memory.
But I don't think most of you want to hear the details again.

I wish that I could write the testimony of how faithful the Lord was. While he was...it still hurts too bad and I'm still so ... angry? grieved? Whatever...that post won't be written this year. Maybe a different year I can testify like Christy.

For this year...the day has been worn with grief and anxiety.

I miss them. Still.

Times of WAR and time of Peace

My daughter Addy has started a war today. The ongoing food war. We WERE in a time of peace. But there was some subtle shift in her mind today...and now...its all out attack.

Me: (trying to be a cool mom) I will make you a grilled cheese for breakfast today!
Her: Ooooh. Ok...but you know how I like it. No burn...just light light light brown.
Me: Sure!

So away I go...buttering the bread...with real butter...and slicing up some yummy cheddar cheese. Oooh gooey. And then at just the right moment where it is lightly toasted and melty...I remove it from the skillet and slice it up into triangles.

Her: Oh. I wanted a circle!
Me: Oh...can you deal with it this time?
Her: Sigh. I guess.

2 minutes later...

Her: Mom...You cut the cheese too thick.
Me: (My head exploded looking at the sandwich with one bite gone and pushed away.) Too thick???
Her: Yeah...I don't like it.
Me: To thick!!! Well. You don't have to eat it. But you can't have anything else...and I probably won't be making another grilled cheese for you anytime soon if you won't eat it because I might cut the cheese too thick.
Her: Ok.
Me: OH MY GOSH! Well..go throw it away.
Her: Ok.
Me: You will get hungry at school!
Her: No I won't. We have morning snack.
Me: (Oh Lord, please let it be something she won't eat.) Well...ARG!

After stomping around in disbelief...

Me: Don't you know that "the cheese is too thick" is soooo over the top ridiculous??? I mean...not too burned...too smelly...too dry....too...whatever. Too thick is CRAZY! Think about all those orphans in Africa that Nana works with that either have nothing...or just ground up corn! (I can't believe I actually pulled that one out.) That is CRAZY! And RUDE! And over the top picky! I try so hard to fix things I know you like...but NO MORE! If I can't even make you a grilled cheese!
Her: Well...I can eat at school.
Me: SUMMER IS COMING!!!!!!!

----

Ummm. I have a feeling that someone in my house is in for several days of being hungry. Cause oh my gosh.

I remember being a fairly picky eater as a little kid...though I outgrew that. Sooner than my mom thinks though. I was rattling off all the foods I would eat to her...demanding she name one I wouldn't eat. She couldn't come up with one...but I think I was thinking as an older kid. She was laughing at how I couldn't get Addy to try deviled eggs.

I try to not ask my kids to eat things I struggled to like...or are really crazy to ask. Like asparagus...or liver. I try to fix things there are elements of that they like. Even if we have tacos...I don't mix the beans in their meat. I get it. I think little kids have really sensitive taste buds...and like bland food. I get it. I think as you grow...you will like more things. Tastes and texture desires change. I don't really care for veggies allll up in my spaghetti sauce...I'm not gonna ask them to either. And it took me a long time to like chunks. I have lots of patience at the table. Cause I remember needing it too. And I don't want them to be hungry.

I have my limits though. We don't make 5 different meals...and if you don't eat it...you don't get a treat later. No special foods. Cause I try to give them something they will eat in the first place.

I'm all about being sneaky...(mind you...that same cheese was alllll smeared over the homemade mac and cheese she gobbled up yesterday...complete with sneaky zucchini and cauliflower.)

But toooo thick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Too far....my patience is up. War is on. Go on hunger strike. Fine by me.

And I'm sure after the strike...I'll go back to fun patient meal mommy...but not right now. Tonight I think we'll be having something with big ol' chunks of tomatoes and some strong fresh Parmesan cheese. That grilled cheese will be looking goooood.

But the best part of the Snow Day is this:

Nothing like cuddling with the sleepy-who all worn out from playing in the snow!

Snow Day!

Well...we did not get the inches and inches and inches of snow I was hoping for like SOME people over in the other parts of the state...but we got enough to have blast! And I feel a little bit like my winter was redeemed. :) And since we got enough ice to cause things to be bit sketchy...Neal got to stay home today and play! But not enough ice to cause us to lose power. Woohoo!

Getting Ready:



The Snowball Fighters (I did not throw but like...one...or two...but kept getting chases and nailed.)





The great artwork of the day: Our Snow...person!

Truth truth truth...can't seem to get enough

I have become a huge fan of Tenth Avenue North. Like...I MUST be the reason for the publication of their CD, "Over and Underneath."

Lie: The Lord wasn't there...

Truth:

I hear you say my love is over...
its underneath...
its inside...
its inbetween

the times you doubt me when you can't feel
the times that you question is this for real?

the times you're broken
the times that you mend
the times you hate me
and the times that you bend

well my love is over
its underneath...
its inside...
its inbetween...

these times you're healing and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal

in times of confusion and chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow
under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm

My love, I will keep you by my power alone.

I don't care where you've fallen
or where you have been.
I'll never forsake you.
My love never ends.
It never ends.

--Good grief. This might as well be my story.

My foot

A few pictures of my latest injury for those of you don't live close...or don't Facebook. (Which oh my word...at first...I LOVED it. I'm currently undecided. I may return to my first love. Blogging.)

My special shoe:

This week:

Last Week:



I am "clumsy." Thats the nice way of saying it. :)

Everything

Feb 1, 2009:

"Prayer Audacity."

Everything belongs to God,
Everything comes from God,
Everything is dispersed by God.

Pray with Boldness and Audacity. Because God is approachable.
Pray with Boldness and Audacity. Because God is able.

Luke: 1:37 For Nothing is impossible with God.

I sat in church that morning, tears streaming down my face. I was wondering:

Why Lord have you not "dispersed" a blessing to us? (Lie)
Why Lord does everyone else have a good job but us? (Lie)
What is wrong with us Lord that you aren't blessing us? (Lie)
Why Lord do you always say NO? (Lie)

I'm pretty sure that the pastor looked right at me and said, "Pray for something sooo big that only God can answer it." I prompty went to the ugly cry. You know...where the snot is running down your face.

Is is big enough Lord to pray that you give Neal a job in this awful ecomony?
Can I pray that?

Truth: The Lord blessed us over and over and over and over during this past season. Bills were paid. Rent was made. Extra special blessing were granted to my children. Peace was provided. I called...He Came.

Truth: There is nothing in my life God will allow that the cannot work for good.

Truth: Sometimes God says wait. And SOMETIMES he says, Ummm...I have a better way.

Truth: God delights in me for showing up. Even if I show up and promptly throw up on his robe.

Truth: My precious Christian family was praying for Neal to get a job. Because right now...in this economy (which is real)...in the middle of delayed paperwork...troubling physicals...past mistakes...hiring freezes...

...Neal started a new job on Monday.

And it could only have been God. It wasn't us. He couldn't do enough interviews, pay enough bills, correct enough old mistakes, know enough people, or be healthy enough to make it all happen. It could only have been HIM.

I feel a little battle weary. I feel a LOT like I just ended a horrific hot nasty bloody diseased journey through some treacherous thorn filled place. I feel its just now safe to sit a minute and rest. Like something awful has stopped chasing me.

And while the new job has many new demands to be met. I think that maybe...just maybe...I may have passed part of this last test. I've had to take it several times before. But this time was better.

Truth: He is so good. To Me.

I never again want to act like he isn't enough. He WAS there the many time I came downstairs in the dead of night and called. After all...to where would I run?

for my little friend

Our house is having sympathy chicken pox pains!
Get better sweet girl!






And a couple of Get Well pictures!

oh good grief

So. I have never ever been one to be all chatty or friendly with people I don't know. I'm not good at making new friends. I'm not the social butterfly with a million good friends like my amazing SIL Sally. Who I'm pretty sure right now is totally in seventh heaven with her buddies in Cali. I'm jealous I didn't get to go this time. :)

I also however...hate not knowing people. One of my biggest problems with our current church is that I don't know very many people. But don't think for a second I am about to turn around and introduce myself to the people behind me. Oh no way. Not safe.

When Addy was in preschool...I knew ONE fellow mom. But that mom knew everybody...so I got to know lots of moms and enjoyed my time standing in line chatting with the other moms. And then it was fun to know those moms when our kids all started Kindergarten.

Now that Ellie is in preschool...I again started out knowing like...nobody. My sorta cousin has a little girl in the same class...so I at least knew one person. And a lot of the moms in Ellie's pick up line look sooo nice. And friendly...and cute. But no way am I about to say ... uh...hi. What - Ever.

I noticed one day however that a certain little boy's mom was now writing a column for the local paper based on her BLOG!!! How cool...a BLOGGING MOM! So one day...I took a big breath and said something like, "Uhreallycoolbloginthepaper!!!" I'm really not good with getting to know people.

It turned out good though. Erin is super nice...and we have swapped blogs...and e-mailed a little. I think I made a friend!!! I think her blog is so cute and funny.

Except...I realized today after chatting in line for a minute that I had a big pink piece of sucker stuck right on the bootie of my coat. Awesome. I'm so cool. No charge. Pretty sure no one is looking at me going, "wow...she looks cute and nice and together." No way. More like...gross...that is sucker on her bootie.

Sometimes I think I have just as much clumsy/embarrassing stuff happen to me now as when I was in middle school. I hope I grow out of this phase too. :)

The Kernel once said to me:

"Well...at least you are still on the good side of 30." I think I had just turned 26. :)

Neal today...is on his last year of being on the good side of 30. Happy Birthday honey.

We looked at each other today and said, "Well...how do you celebrate when you are low on cash AND can't have sugar!!!" Hmmmm.

I opted for making him a favorite breakfast of "Breakfast Burritos." Totally healthy by the way, complete with turkey breakfast sausage, homemade whole wheat tortillas, and homemade salsa. And then I went and cleaned a house.

We totally splurged on Pizza Hut for lunch. :) Then we really splurged it up with a sugar free angel food cake (store bought), and strawberries, and light cool whip.

We picked up a movie at the library. We watched it. And then he went to work.

A terribly exciting birthday. :)

I'll have to make it up when he turns 30 next year. And...I promised to be harder on the whole "turning 30" bit now rather than later.

Ellie: My fabulous 4-year-old!!!!

*gulp* Can she REALLY be 4! She is. She turned 4 last week. And we had a so super fun Diego party! I like to call it: The Great Animal Rescue Party!




We invited some of our best friends over (to my mom's) and we all made spotting scopes! Because of course, you can't rescue any animal no matter how big or small without a good spotting scope!








Once we had our scopes all decorated and ready for action...the animal hunt began. Everyone got to run all over the house looking for carefully and skillfully hidden little animals!





That was my favorite part. Then we headed outside for an obstacle course! There were lots and lots of monkeys that needed to be rescued. One monkey was in the middle of the road (ride in the toy car to get him out of the road), one monkey needed to be fed (find the food on the other side of the tunnel, one monkey needed a bath (at the bottom of the slide), two monkeys were fighting and needed to make up (get them to use kind words) one monkey needed a chair built (rebuild that chair with wooden blocks), and one monkey needed help getting his jewelry on (ah..I love glow bracelts). It was very fun. Neal was in charge of this...and did a very awesome job. He had all the adults giggling too.


Then of course came the wonderfully amazing beautiful spectacular cake. My mom once again out did herself with it. She has bettter picture on her camera...but these aren't bad. You'll get the idea.



It was a great day!

I wanted to do more sewing!

Oh...I hope my Aunt Shirley doesn't decide to read my blog today!

I'm a little behind on some of my x-mas presents...and I just finished making these plain ol kitchen towels beautiful for my mom's sister in Houston. I'm hoping these will look nice in her kitchen! I'll be shipping them off on Tuesday with a couple of new shiny white kitchen spoons!

Dear Addy,

Ummm. Sometimes it is sooooo hard to be a mom. Sometimes I get it sooo wrong. And I know it. Sometimes I get it right. And I know it. But a lot of the time I'm just not sure if I did or said the right thing or the wrong thing. I have no way of knowing if what I told you or didn't tell you...did when you heard it in your heart. That is so scary.

I want more than anything for you to have a kind, generous, thoughtful, compassionate heart. I want for your head to be grounded yet imaginative. I want for you to be just who you are. And I want for your heart to love Jesus.

I want you to understand that life is hard...and you have to do your best with it.

I want you to understand that money means so little in this life when it really comes down to it.

I want you to understand that we all have to do things we don't want to do.

I want you to have experienced unconditional love through me.

I worry that you think I'm just mean. I worry that you think I'm too hard on you. I worry that you don't feel valued. I worry that you think I don't know anything about anything. I worry that you won't come to me when you are older with your mistakes and problems.

Tonight...I would give anything to be able to explain myself to you in about 14 years. Or even better, about the time YOU have 6 year old. I wish I could tell you THEN how badly I wanted to get it right NOW...and how much I hope TRYING to get it right might work in my favor.

I feel like I might not be teaching you enough about hard work...good habits...helping others...sigh.

Do you know my deepest fear...next to death maybe...is that you will grow up and think I did it wrong???

I've never been a mom to a 6 year old girl before. I hope you'll cut me some slack.

I love you little girl...

Mama

New Years 2009

Me: Ellie and Addy! Hurry upstairs...we are going to have a toast to celebrate the New Year! (uh...yeah...my 4 and 6 year olds were both up until midnight!)
Ellie: WOO-HOO!

Ellie: *Running around like a crazy silly monkey sloshing her cup of juice everywhere* 5 ... 4... 3... 2...1...HAPPY NEW YEAR! Ok Mommy, where is my toast? I'm hungry. I want cinnamon and sugar on it!

Me: ummmmmmmm...

----------------------------------------

Resolution of 2008--Lets see how I did. (gulp)

1. As some of you know I lost quite a bit of weight this fall. I am re-upping my efforts and intend to lose the rest of the pounds I want to in 2008. --Well...I totally blame this problem on Gary and Kim. Which is also nuts because the last holiday I spent with Kim, she and Sally helped me shop for smaller sized jeans. Grrrrr. I ate my way back to my previous big self while submerged in grief. Dead people are always so inconsiderate. *totally joking* It doesn't help that people bring you cinnamon rolls and muffins and stuff while you are grieving. They ought to only bring healthy food. Though not really...cause you need bad food when your heart it broken. :)

2. I want to read more with my kids. Addy and I have decided to read 300 books in 2008. Paperbacks and novels. My mom gave me a really cute little notebook and we agreed to keep a list of the books we have read in there. At school she reads like 10 books a day and hit 100 books in like a month. I figure then at home we ought to be able to ready 300 in a year. Ellie and I are going to try for 100. --I quit keeping track after my year got derailed...I'm quite sure Addy and I have read 300 books. And I'm sure I read 100 to Ellie. Probably many many more.

3. I want to do some organizing in my house. More like one time organizing than life style organizing. I just have a few scary places that need some TLC. These places are: my buffet, our closets, our dressers, my linen closet, and an old army trunk. --Lets see...I did clean out my buffet...and then I sold it. I did clean out all those things...and I moved. So ... well ... it didn't really get me anywhere.

4. I want to write a letter to my bio-dad once a week. We could stay in touch better this way. --Well. Does a text message every other day count??? Probably not...but I know him much better this year than I did the last. :)

5. And lastly...I am going to do the 888 Challenge. You can read about it at www.triple8challenge.blogspot.com I'm just getting started on picking my books...so I'm a little behind. --I didn't finish it...yet. I'm still on it. But considering my awful year...and the fact I was reading The Pilots Wife when Gary and Kim died (a book detailing the grieving process of a dead pilots wife)...I didn't do too bad. Which...reading that book just before (like 2 days before) was all God.

I read 29 out of 57 books. Not bad. I'm sure there are more that I read...but I can' think of them. I read several books on grief over the summer, but I only wrote down two. My list was flexible. Its now the 889 list. :) I'm ok with that. I also never published my list. Maybe I will get to it 2009.

------------------------------------------------

2009 Resolutions:

1. Well...since Neal was diagnosed with diabetes in the middle of December...(yeah...more on that later)...we would be quite serious about losing some pounds and overhauling our eating. Neal started in December...I started after the new years party. :)

1b. Start a blog about my experiences with diabetes. There are not enough out there.


2. Finish my 889 list.

3. Figure out how to have kid friendly cars. I have this amazing friend who has her car all decked out to meet her kids needs in every situation. I thought that was so cool. I want to do that for my kids in our cars.

4. Start my family on pro-biotics and some other immunity enhancing herbs. I'm SICK of green snot and ear infections and puke.

5. Do more sewing. I'm off to a good start. I made a sleeping bag for Ellie's American Girl Doll today. Wooo-hoooo!

6. Continue to not use my dryer.

7. Have a fabulous summer.

8. Make a file for fun things to do during each season and holiday...so I don't go..."awww I forgot about that" after the holiday is over.

9. Be more supportive of my oldest daughter in a couple areas.

10. Be a scream-free parent.

11. Break the cycle of a particular lie I am have been believing. I'm almost free.

Hmmmm. I'm more ambitious this year. We'll see how it goes!!!

Poor Neglicted Blog of Mine.

I repent.

Just a little gem to get us back in the swing of things. Several years ago...I don't remember if was a Christmas gift or a birthday gift, but Sally gave us the movie "Mary Poppins". Ellie has been particulary entralled and has watched it over and over and over without end for several day.

And as we walked down the grocery aisle today, she was singing at the top her little lungs...

...OH ITS A JOLLY HOLIDAY WITH MARY!!!! WHEN MARY 'OLDS YOUR HAND...YOU FEEL SO GRAND...YOUR HEART STARTS BEATING....LIKE....A....BIG...BRASS......BANNNNNNNNNND!!!!

...at which point she stomps her feet three times right on beat. And its pretty funny to hear her sing Supercalifragalisticexpialidocious (amazing attempt at spelling on my part) because she can only get part of all those big words...like precocious just comes out "cious" .

And tonight...I caught her standing in front of a very messy bookcase fiercly trying to snap her fingers at it. :)

Neal suggested maybe we need a break from Mary. :) Maybe. :)