Grief looks and feels like a major Rollercoaster.
My Day:
9amish: I got up and spent my morning feeling very nervous about someone from our church coming to visit with me about grief.
11amish: Relief that said person was kind and compassionate and willing to listen and endured silences sometimes.
12:30pm: I was feeling pretty good about the support I had recieved this morning.
2:30pmish: I was ELATED when I got a call from my wonderful friend Meshellyn saying she would be stopping by for a visit! I hadn't seen her and her amazingly sweet and beautiful baby girl
in over a year. I miss her so much sometimes...it was so awesome to see her.
6:00ish: Out of nowhere...I was suddenly FURIOUS that I don't have Gary and Kim. I was furious at the unfairness of it all. I am FURIOUS that the rest of the world is continuing on...and I can't.
7:00ish: I was feeling so horribly sad and burdened that I will miss them forever. How can you miss someone everyday. It seems so awful to have to miss them everyday.
And somewhere inbetween all those emotions
--Ellie kicked over our little table that they eat at. The table had their dinner plates on it with meat, potatos, green beans, and watermelon. And ketchup. It was a good thing Neal was home at that point.
--Addy dropped a bowl of ice cream in the kitchen.
--My super kind friend L shot me a text message saying that she loved me and was thinking about me.
--My parents made a visit...telling me about a house they may be buying.
--I did a lot of reading online about phases of grief.
Whew. I am spent.
Neal will be home in about 90 minutes...thank goodness...I'm ready to be done with today.
Can I just tell you how NORMAL you are? I remember being fine one minute and then the next minute being totally not okay...either angry or sad or depressed or a mix of all of them. Grief is so weird. But weird is normal. Grief also stinks...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for this struggle that you are having to deal with! Here is a *hug* and I will be praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't hate me that I'm not going through this the same way as you. For some reason, for right now, I feel at peace about all this. BUT, I'm so scared for the Hamm Bash and Christmas and Thanksgiving for how I'll feel then...when it's SOOO obvious that they aren't there. I guess right now it kinda feels like they're just off busy with work.
ReplyDeleteI miss you, and I'm sorry I'm so far away this week. Let's FOR SURE get together right after I get back.
Sally...my precious sister. I do NOT hate you.
ReplyDeleteEveryone grieves differently...at different times and different speeds...for different reasons...with different personalities.
We are SO different...(which I only say in a wonderful sort of way. Like how I am soooooo proud of you for doing these enginering interviews and wanting to be a recuiter. Not my bag...but I would shout from mountain tops how amazing you would be at that job because I LOVE who you are.) I would never expect you to walk on the same path as I am.
ahahah I have spent so much time worrying about MY own right to grieve...I am not about to wrestle with YOUR right too!!!! ahahahah
And I oh my gosh...You have that amazing wonderful skoosy baby boy and he holds more healing power I'm sure than anything else on the face of this earth. I want (selfishly (?), I suppose) that you should not find yourself stuck in the despair part of grief so that you do NOT miss out on a single moment of Lil Major. :)
I love you so much...and I hope that are deeply enjoying your time with Jana. :)
see...I couldn't be a recruiter because i can't spell it. :)
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