Tuesday, June 17, 2008

What a day.

Grief looks and feels like a major Rollercoaster.

My Day:

9amish: I got up and spent my morning feeling very nervous about someone from our church coming to visit with me about grief.
11amish: Relief that said person was kind and compassionate and willing to listen and endured silences sometimes.
12:30pm: I was feeling pretty good about the support I had recieved this morning.
2:30pmish: I was ELATED when I got a call from my wonderful friend Meshellyn saying she would be stopping by for a visit! I hadn't seen her and her amazingly sweet and beautiful baby girl
in over a year. I miss her so much sometimes...it was so awesome to see her.
6:00ish: Out of nowhere...I was suddenly FURIOUS that I don't have Gary and Kim. I was furious at the unfairness of it all. I am FURIOUS that the rest of the world is continuing on...and I can't.
7:00ish: I was feeling so horribly sad and burdened that I will miss them forever. How can you miss someone everyday. It seems so awful to have to miss them everyday.

And somewhere inbetween all those emotions

--Ellie kicked over our little table that they eat at. The table had their dinner plates on it with meat, potatos, green beans, and watermelon. And ketchup. It was a good thing Neal was home at that point.
--Addy dropped a bowl of ice cream in the kitchen.
--My super kind friend L shot me a text message saying that she loved me and was thinking about me.
--My parents made a visit...telling me about a house they may be buying.
--I did a lot of reading online about phases of grief.

Whew. I am spent.

Neal will be home in about 90 minutes...thank goodness...I'm ready to be done with today.

5 comments:

  1. Can I just tell you how NORMAL you are? I remember being fine one minute and then the next minute being totally not okay...either angry or sad or depressed or a mix of all of them. Grief is so weird. But weird is normal. Grief also stinks...

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  2. I'm sorry for this struggle that you are having to deal with! Here is a *hug* and I will be praying for you!

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  3. I hope you don't hate me that I'm not going through this the same way as you. For some reason, for right now, I feel at peace about all this. BUT, I'm so scared for the Hamm Bash and Christmas and Thanksgiving for how I'll feel then...when it's SOOO obvious that they aren't there. I guess right now it kinda feels like they're just off busy with work.

    I miss you, and I'm sorry I'm so far away this week. Let's FOR SURE get together right after I get back.

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  4. Sally...my precious sister. I do NOT hate you.

    Everyone grieves differently...at different times and different speeds...for different reasons...with different personalities.

    We are SO different...(which I only say in a wonderful sort of way. Like how I am soooooo proud of you for doing these enginering interviews and wanting to be a recuiter. Not my bag...but I would shout from mountain tops how amazing you would be at that job because I LOVE who you are.) I would never expect you to walk on the same path as I am.

    ahahah I have spent so much time worrying about MY own right to grieve...I am not about to wrestle with YOUR right too!!!! ahahahah

    And I oh my gosh...You have that amazing wonderful skoosy baby boy and he holds more healing power I'm sure than anything else on the face of this earth. I want (selfishly (?), I suppose) that you should not find yourself stuck in the despair part of grief so that you do NOT miss out on a single moment of Lil Major. :)

    I love you so much...and I hope that are deeply enjoying your time with Jana. :)

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  5. see...I couldn't be a recruiter because i can't spell it. :)

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