Can I be honest?...ok...good.
Today I just feel like screaming. And I considered going out into the back acres on my parents property and screaming like a crazy person. Until I realized it is not my throat that wants to scream. Its my spirit. My very ... most... deep? self. It wants to scream. And maybe it is...which I why I am having such a hard time lately.
I cried most of the early morning.
I want to scream for my brother. I want to scream for my lost summer. I want to scream for my mind to return...so i can match a pair of socks in less than 15 min. I want to scream for the phone call I won't be receiving on my birthday. I want to scream for the seats that will be empty at the Hamm Bash. (How will I EVER make it through it that weekend? It seems unbearable. How did you do it that first year, Laura?) I want to scream for the lost comments on my blog and e-mails in my inbox. I want to scream for my patience to return.
I saw a magazine cover talking about "Easy Summer Living." I wanted to rip if off and throw it away...with a scream.
The question I hate most right now...is "How is your summer???" The fact I can't bubble over with the fun things I had planned makes me want to scream.
I want to scream for everything else to stop until I get it together.
Most of all I want to scream for my little girl...who has equated storms with death for her or someone she loves...and just about can't handle the CRAZY weather we are having. I want to scream for her sudden and awful ability to read the radar--and for the moment when she pointed to Pratt and said, "That is where Kim and Gary died." I want to scream for her fear. It just isn't right she has to sort that out in her little mind. I'm mega irrational with the weather ... how unfair for my kiddo to have to deal with that. HOW UNFAIR!!!!!!!!
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Having said all that...I'm so glad that I have a God who has ears and a heart big enough to hear me screaming. And then doesn't need to scream back. How good is that. I was thinking about Hagar. And how she was left in an awful situation...and God said..."I see you." I'm thinking about Him saying, "Jayme...I hear you."
I know what you mean. I wanted to scream at the lady at the pharmacy the other day when I went to pick up Lil Major's medicine. I had to wait quite a while for the pharmacist, so she started making small talk w/ me...telling me about how horrible her week had been. Her week was from hell, she said, the worst week ever - she'd lost her keys and her basement had flooded. I felt like saying, "Oh yeah? Well, if you think that was bad...my brother and sister were killed by a tornado last week." What would she have said to that??
ReplyDeleteAnd all those people who ask how you're doing and just expect us to say, "fine"...what would they say if we told them the truth??
Hang in there, sister! Keep turning to God, and He will heal us. As for Ads? I think it will take more time, and we'll have to give her some extra special love in the meantime.
I am still praying. this song is by Scott Krypanne...I think it is very appropriate and might even help your kiddos. Wont stop praying.....I understand how you feel.
ReplyDeleteAll who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control
Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child
He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place
I don't even know what to say. (But just keep screaming if you need to.)
ReplyDeleteI don't even know how I got through the first year. So many firsts to get through (first Christmas, first Mother's day...blah, blah.) Yeah, and of all things, I think the Hamm Bash was the hardest. Because my mom always loved me the mostest and when I'd walk into the room she'd have been watching for me. And she wasn't there, and none of the rest of the aunts were watching for me. Except that they were. Actually, Mom died one week after the Hamm Bash in 2004, and so she couldn't be there for that one. It was so hard knowing that she was dying and not there, and they showed all those videos that year, remember? And I was crying and screaming inside and trying to keep myself together. And then I got a headache. And I didn't have any Tylenol...and I just mentioned that I had a headache to one aunt...and like ALL 10 OF THEM grabbed their purses and started digging for Tylenol. Why do I remember that so well? And why did that mean so much to me? I'm probably not even making sense. Wow, I just really love our family. So much.
Oh yeah, and also, when I finally just gave in and started crying that year at the Hamm Bash...all the aunts and cousins standing there just cried with me. We are so loved.
I can hardly stand it that Gary and Kim won't be at the Bash. I just want one more Bash with them. I need it so badly. I just want to hear their voices one more time and hug them and talk about website stuff. So bad. I can't believe how bad it hurts...and I know your pain is a million times more.
You'll be able to match socks again. It's just that you could care less about the socks. Let someone else match your socks for you if they offer. I had people come over and vacuum for me and do all kinds of stuff, and I kept wanting to say, "No, I'm okay"...but I didn't have the strength for that (since it wasn't the truth), and they knew it and they just came and took care of me.
Funny how I can look back at that time and feel such joy remembering how everyone took such good care of me. And cried with me when they matched my socks for me.
As much as I'm dreading the Hamm Bash this year...it can't get here soon enough.
Love you.
Laura:
ReplyDeleteHey...Crystal has a recording on her answering machine that Gary and Kim left her THAT night. They were driving of course...and they called to wish her a happy birthday...cause it was her 40th. I bet...that if you called...Crystal would tell you how to get that message remotely. It's PRECIOUS. PRECIOUS! They were teasing her...and so happy. Kim is laughing in the background. And then you would get your one more time. :)
hey, how come i didn't think about calling and listening to that message??? that's a great idea. i need to do that, too.
ReplyDeleteHey, sweet sister, go check out this post by Niki. She has lyrics to a song on it, and I have the CD in my hot little hands right now (borrowed, but still).
ReplyDeleteThose lyrics are speaking to me, maybe they can speak some peace to you too?
http://nikinowell.wordpress.com/2008/06/06/megan-isaacson/
Love you. Scream all you want. God does see you, and he loves you more than the rest of us put together do, and that has to be a phenomenal amount. Oceans and Sky full up to overflowing.