I had a major meltdown this weekend. I spent about 20 minutes (awful minutes) waffling between asking for help or not. I finally did...and after I sent out my SOS I feel so much better. I got some much much much needed help on my house...finally uttered that I still really wasn't able to cook or plan meals...and that I'm just still on the edge of functionality. Is that a word??? :) I don't know.
I was so thankful that Laura shared with me in a comment that she had to let someone come and vacuum her floors and that she felt like saying I can handle it...but the truth was she really couldn't. Ah...thank you for giving me permission to say I really can't handle it either.
It's horrible to open wide your door while standing in a puddle of toys and laundry and dishes and dirty underwear and let someone swoop in and fix it. Its hard to accept the help and love...but once you choose to let go of your pride -- you just get blessed.
My amazing friend Miss May has been unbelievably helpful to me. In so many ways that are so painfully precious that I can't even start to list all the ways here. But right now...she has cleaned most of my house, done my laundry, let me shower, made sure I ate, helped through Father's Day, comforted, and even went grocery shopping for me. Knowing that I can stand in front of full fridge not knowing what to do with it...she left me a list of things I could do with the food she brought over. How AMAZING is that!!!! She has also rallied the troops so more help is coming.
She encouraged me to share my emotional vomit with the rest of my small group...who immediately responded with compassion and love for both me and Neal...and wow...today I am feeling so much better. And much more in control of my domain and my grieving messy self.
So...I guess I have learned it would have been much more painful and awful to choose to not be loved...than to chose to be loved. Isn't that funny...you do HAVE to CHOOSE to be loved sometimes. Oh...its hard. But so worth the risk.
And I'm praying that after this is...over (?) I will be able to know just what someone else in a situation like this might need. It's like...wanting to be a tool for the Lord...but having to be on the anvil. The heat, beating, and shaping are really awful...but being a purposed tool on the other side just might be worth it.
And .. can I just say that I MISS Gary and Kim sooooooo much. I listened to Gary's recording today on Crystal's machine...and I just...miss them. I miss them. It is the weirdest thing in the world...knowing they are in heaven...their bodies are in those caskets in those vaults...under THAT earth. How bizarre.
This is a picture of Gary on their Honeymoon. Oh I miss him. (And yes...it creeps me out a little that this picture could just as easily be Neal. They looked so much alike...walked alike...stood alike. When I think about our extended family...it is like feeling Neal is half of something that used to be whole.)
My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDelete(You still write beautifully, in your time of pain.)
I'm SO glad you reached out, and someone was there to come in and take over for a bit. GOOD for you for letting someone help you. You just keep on doing that, and working through the emotions, and it's gonna get better... I promise! HUGS to you today!
ReplyDeletejust want you know that i think of you and your family often. i will also specifically pray for your daughter's fears--i too am haunted by the storms in the midwest, even though I live out here--my sister, and 4 little girls live there--and we anxiously waited for her hubby to get home from the storm the other night--i think of you all when they are huddled up in their basement.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm out of town right now, but you can call and talk to me...and I would be SO willing to come help you whenever I can. I'm glad you got some help!
ReplyDeleteWould you please give that Miss May a big hug from me? She gave you just what you needed, bless her. And you said yes. Good for you. And you feel better. Yea for you. Someday, you'll go be a Miss May for someone. Someday you will.
ReplyDeleteBe sure to let her (or someone else) come again if they offer. It's very okay. (I'll bet Miss May might have been even more blessed than you simply because you gave her the chance to be God's servant.)