Lots of people had gently warned me that just when you thought you were ok and had a handle on things...something would trigger you and you would have some hard times.
I think that mostly...I'm on the verge of over-extension...which leaves me feeling tired and emotional.
Neal spent the entire last week in Tulsa, OK for work. I did really good while he was gone...managed the kids, my packing, my time...fairly well I think. I melted a little on the last evening he was coming home. I'm glad it wasn't for a second week as originally planned.
I cannot pack up any single room in my house without running into something that reminds me of Gary and Kim which always brings a fresh stabbing to my heart. Including this morning when I was dealing with utility issues for our new place. They handed me list of "town rules" including which dogs were not allowed. I fully intended to e-mail Kim and inform her that pit bulls were not allowed in the town I was moving to and give her a bad time about it. :) It took my brain about 10 minutes to realize I couldn't. That made me sooooooooooo sad. Even though I really hate pit bulls. :) Here is a picture of Kim's dogs. :) Oreo and Jonah. Mostly because every post is better with a picture.
And finally this morning...I took back over the black dress I borrowed to wear to their funeral to my friend Jill. So stupid. I totally got all teary when I handed her the dress. I'm crying just sitting here. Stupid dress. Stupid dress that I was so grateful to have.
And I went to a funeral for the grandpa of one of my long time friends -- Rachel. I was so sad for her to lose a fixture in her life...and I started crying the minute we hit the parking lot of the church. It was awful...the remembering of Gary and Kim's funeral. It was horrific to watch their family walk in and out...remembering so clearly how that felt. And how it felt to sit in those stupid green velvety chairs beside the graves.
And as I'm wrapping my mind around the fact that no one gets a "fee pass" against their own funeral...I'm just...feeling...teary.
Jill loaned me C.S. Lewis's book on grief. I'm so excited about that...I had been meaning to look for it at the library.
Oh...and 3 out of the 4 of us have colds. Isn't that awesome. No charge.
Just today someone told me to read that book.
ReplyDeleteI feel constantly on the verge of tears. I think yesterday was hardest because it really hit me. We tried to go back to our normal routine... The family had all gone home and we went to grandma's after church, but it was just all wrong.
My only solace in this is that my grandpa lived (nearly) 88 years, and he was in pain. He is MUCH better off where he is now.
but it doesn't make the missing him any easier. :-/
I was at Penney's the other day, and they had an amazing sale, and I was thinking to myself, I need to call Kim and tell her b/c Penney's is her favorite store. And about five minutes later, it dawned on me that I can't.
ReplyDeleteIt gets easier over time, but instances like ours never totally go away...
P.S. If this posts a half dozen times, it's b/c the internet is NOT liking me tonight... blah!
Rach...
ReplyDeleteThat first week after we came back from the funeral and being in Clearwater was the worst. I just wondered around and around my apartment not able to think of do anything. The return to normal is the hardest part I think...watching the world keep turning...watching other people be happy. Sucks.
Missing is hard. :)
I was looking through my bookmarked blogs the other day and came to Suezque and thought, "Oh, I haven't visited her for a while." And I almost clicked. And then I remembered that OF COURSE I haven't visited her for a while. And it hurt.
ReplyDeleteLove you.
I'm so sorry for the hurt! I saw Kim's car when I passed by her mom's house today! For a minute I thought "Kim's in town!!" How sad to remember that it was only her car! Sounds like you need to rest!
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so sorry Jayme. I can't for a minute say that I know how it feels. I lost a very close friend when we were 19, but as an adult, I've only lost elderly family members. I do remember wanting to call my friend though, or go to her house and realize I couldn't.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you and all the ones whose lives were touched so beautifully by Gary and Kim. They must have been two truly amazing people to have touched your heart like this.
Bless you, even while you continue to grieve.
I get really messed up when people talk about tornados, or joke about the weather. I want to scream at them that it's not a joke or that it IS a big deal and that I lost 2 people I loved b/c of it. But, I don't ever say anything, I just sit there and stew.
ReplyDelete