The Acme Cloud Factory

We interrupt this blog:

2009-11-15T17:19:00.001-08:00

For nearly a year of healing, restoring, joy finding, and recovery. I'm back in. Turns out some of what I was looking for I already had.

One Year Ago...

2009-05-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

Well. I have been thinking about this post for about a year. I have been writing it in my head for a year. But nothing I think of in my head is what I want to say.

This week last year is maybe the most detailed experience in my memory.
But I don't think most of you want to hear the details again.

I wish that I could write the testimony of how faithful the Lord was. While he was...it still hurts too bad and I'm still so ... angry? grieved? Whatever...that post won't be written this year. Maybe a different year I can testify like Christy.

For this year...the day has been worn with grief and anxiety.

I miss them. Still.

Times of WAR and time of Peace

2009-04-22T06:02:00.000-07:00

My daughter Addy has started a war today. The ongoing food war. We WERE in a time of peace. But there was some subtle shift in her mind today...and now...its all out attack.

Me: (trying to be a cool mom) I will make you a grilled cheese for breakfast today!
Her: Ooooh. Ok...but you know how I like it. No burn...just light light light brown.
Me: Sure!

So away I go...buttering the bread...with real butter...and slicing up some yummy cheddar cheese. Oooh gooey. And then at just the right moment where it is lightly toasted and melty...I remove it from the skillet and slice it up into triangles.

Her: Oh. I wanted a circle!
Me: Oh...can you deal with it this time?
Her: Sigh. I guess.

2 minutes later...

Her: Mom...You cut the cheese too thick.
Me: (My head exploded looking at the sandwich with one bite gone and pushed away.) Too thick???
Her: Yeah...I don't like it.
Me: To thick!!! Well. You don't have to eat it. But you can't have anything else...and I probably won't be making another grilled cheese for you anytime soon if you won't eat it because I might cut the cheese too thick.
Her: Ok.
Me: OH MY GOSH! Well..go throw it away.
Her: Ok.
Me: You will get hungry at school!
Her: No I won't. We have morning snack.
Me: (Oh Lord, please let it be something she won't eat.) Well...ARG!

After stomping around in disbelief...

Me: Don't you know that "the cheese is too thick" is soooo over the top ridiculous??? I mean...not too burned...too smelly...too dry....too...whatever. Too thick is CRAZY! Think about all those orphans in Africa that Nana works with that either have nothing...or just ground up corn! (I can't believe I actually pulled that one out.) That is CRAZY! And RUDE! And over the top picky! I try so hard to fix things I know you like...but NO MORE! If I can't even make you a grilled cheese!
Her: Well...I can eat at school.
Me: SUMMER IS COMING!!!!!!!

----

Ummm. I have a feeling that someone in my house is in for several days of being hungry. Cause oh my gosh.

I remember being a fairly picky eater as a little kid...though I outgrew that. Sooner than my mom thinks though. I was rattling off all the foods I would eat to her...demanding she name one I wouldn't eat. She couldn't come up with one...but I think I was thinking as an older kid. She was laughing at how I couldn't get Addy to try deviled eggs.

I try to not ask my kids to eat things I struggled to like...or are really crazy to ask. Like asparagus...or liver. I try to fix things there are elements of that they like. Even if we have tacos...I don't mix the beans in their meat. I get it. I think little kids have really sensitive taste buds...and like bland food. I get it. I think as you grow...you will like more things. Tastes and texture desires change. I don't really care for veggies allll up in my spaghetti sauce...I'm not gonna ask them to either. And it took me a long time to like chunks. I have lots of patience at the table. Cause I remember needing it too. And I don't want them to be hungry.

I have my limits though. We don't make 5 different meals...and if you don't eat it...you don't get a treat later. No special foods. Cause I try to give them something they will eat in the first place.

I'm all about being sneaky...(mind you...that same cheese was alllll smeared over the homemade mac and cheese she gobbled up yesterday...complete with sneaky zucchini and cauliflower.)

But toooo thick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Too far....my patience is up. War is on. Go on hunger strike. Fine by me.

And I'm sure after the strike...I'll go back to fun patient meal mommy...but not right now. Tonight I think we'll be having something with big ol' chunks of tomatoes and some strong fresh Parmesan cheese. That grilled cheese will be looking goooood.

But the best part of the Snow Day is this:

2009-03-29T18:57:00.000-07:00

Nothing like cuddling with the sleepy-who all worn out from playing in the snow!

Snow Day!

2009-03-28T13:06:00.000-07:00

Well...we did not get the inches and inches and inches of snow I was hoping for like SOME people over in the other parts of the state...but we got enough to have blast! And I feel a little bit like my winter was redeemed. :) And since we got enough ice to cause things to be bit sketchy...Neal got to stay home today and play! But not enough ice to cause us to lose power. Woohoo!

Getting Ready:

The Snowball Fighters (I did not throw but like...one...or two...but kept getting chases and nailed.)

The great artwork of the day: Our Snow...person!

Truth truth truth...can't seem to get enough

2009-03-05T20:39:00.000-08:00

I have become a huge fan of Tenth Avenue North. Like...I MUST be the reason for the publication of their CD, "Over and Underneath."

Lie: The Lord wasn't there...

Truth:

I hear you say my love is over...
its underneath...
its inside...
its inbetween

the times you doubt me when you can't feel
the times that you question is this for real?

the times you're broken
the times that you mend
the times you hate me
and the times that you bend

well my love is over
its underneath...
its inside...
its inbetween...

these times you're healing and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal

in times of confusion and chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow
under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm

My love, I will keep you by my power alone.

I don't care where you've fallen
or where you have been.
I'll never forsake you.
My love never ends.
It never ends.

--Good grief. This might as well be my story.

My foot

2009-02-24T19:06:00.000-08:00

A few pictures of my latest injury for those of you don't live close...or don't Facebook. (Which oh my word...at first...I LOVED it. I'm currently undecided. I may return to my first love. Blogging.)

My special shoe:

This week:

Last Week:

I am "clumsy." Thats the nice way of saying it. :)

Everything

2009-02-12T12:57:00.000-08:00

Feb 1, 2009:

"Prayer Audacity."

Everything belongs to God,
Everything comes from God,
Everything is dispersed by God.

Pray with Boldness and Audacity. Because God is approachable.
Pray with Boldness and Audacity. Because God is able.

Luke: 1:37 For Nothing is impossible with God.

I sat in church that morning, tears streaming down my face. I was wondering:

Why Lord have you not "dispersed" a blessing to us? (Lie)
Why Lord does everyone else have a good job but us? (Lie)
What is wrong with us Lord that you aren't blessing us? (Lie)
Why Lord do you always say NO? (Lie)

I'm pretty sure that the pastor looked right at me and said, "Pray for something sooo big that only God can answer it." I prompty went to the ugly cry. You know...where the snot is running down your face.

Is is big enough Lord to pray that you give Neal a job in this awful ecomony?
Can I pray that?

Truth: The Lord blessed us over and over and over and over during this past season. Bills were paid. Rent was made. Extra special blessing were granted to my children. Peace was provided. I called...He Came.

Truth: There is nothing in my life God will allow that the cannot work for good.

Truth: Sometimes God says wait. And SOMETIMES he says, Ummm...I have a better way.

Truth: God delights in me for showing up. Even if I show up and promptly throw up on his robe.

Truth: My precious Christian family was praying for Neal to get a job. Because right now...in this economy (which is real)...in the middle of delayed paperwork...troubling physicals...past mistakes...hiring freezes...

...Neal started a new job on Monday.

And it could only have been God. It wasn't us. He couldn't do enough interviews, pay enough bills, correct enough old mistakes, know enough people, or be healthy enough to make it all happen. It could only have been HIM.

I feel a little battle weary. I feel a LOT like I just ended a horrific hot nasty bloody diseased journey through some treacherous thorn filled place. I feel its just now safe to sit a minute and rest. Like something awful has stopped chasing me.

And while the new job has many new demands to be met. I think that maybe...just maybe...I may have passed part of this last test. I've had to take it several times before. But this time was better.

Truth: He is so good. To Me.

I never again want to act like he isn't enough. He WAS there the many time I came downstairs in the dead of night and called. After all...to where would I run?

for my little friend

2009-02-09T15:07:00.000-08:00

Our house is having sympathy chicken pox pains!
Get better sweet girl!

And a couple of Get Well pictures!

oh good grief

2009-01-28T09:30:00.000-08:00

So. I have never ever been one to be all chatty or friendly with people I don't know. I'm not good at making new friends. I'm not the social butterfly with a million good friends like my amazing SIL Sally. Who I'm pretty sure right now is totally in seventh heaven with her buddies in Cali. I'm jealous I didn't get to go this time. :)

I also however...hate not knowing people. One of my biggest problems with our current church is that I don't know very many people. But don't think for a second I am about to turn around and introduce myself to the people behind me. Oh no way. Not safe.

When Addy was in preschool...I knew ONE fellow mom. But that mom knew everybody...so I got to know lots of moms and enjoyed my time standing in line chatting with the other moms. And then it was fun to know those moms when our kids all started Kindergarten.

Now that Ellie is in preschool...I again started out knowing like...nobody. My sorta cousin has a little girl in the same class...so I at least knew one person. And a lot of the moms in Ellie's pick up line look sooo nice. And friendly...and cute. But no way am I about to say ... uh...hi. What - Ever.

I noticed one day however that a certain little boy's mom was now writing a column for the local paper based on her BLOG!!! How cool...a BLOGGING MOM! So one day...I took a big breath and said something like, "Uhreallycoolbloginthepaper!!!" I'm really not good with getting to know people.

It turned out good though. Erin is super nice...and we have swapped blogs...and e-mailed a little. I think I made a friend!!! I think her blog is so cute and funny.

Except...I realized today after chatting in line for a minute that I had a big pink piece of sucker stuck right on the bootie of my coat. Awesome. I'm so cool. No charge. Pretty sure no one is looking at me going, "wow...she looks cute and nice and together." No way. More like...gross...that is sucker on her bootie.

Sometimes I think I have just as much clumsy/embarrassing stuff happen to me now as when I was in middle school. I hope I grow out of this phase too. :)

The Kernel once said to me:

2009-01-27T15:21:00.000-08:00

"Well...at least you are still on the good side of 30." I think I had just turned 26. :)

Neal today...is on his last year of being on the good side of 30. Happy Birthday honey.

We looked at each other today and said, "Well...how do you celebrate when you are low on cash AND can't have sugar!!!" Hmmmm.

I opted for making him a favorite breakfast of "Breakfast Burritos." Totally healthy by the way, complete with turkey breakfast sausage, homemade whole wheat tortillas, and homemade salsa. And then I went and cleaned a house.

We totally splurged on Pizza Hut for lunch. :) Then we really splurged it up with a sugar free angel food cake (store bought), and strawberries, and light cool whip.

We picked up a movie at the library. We watched it. And then he went to work.

A terribly exciting birthday. :)

I'll have to make it up when he turns 30 next year. And...I promised to be harder on the whole "turning 30" bit now rather than later.

Ellie: My fabulous 4-year-old!!!!

2009-01-17T13:14:00.000-08:00

*gulp* Can she REALLY be 4! She is. She turned 4 last week. And we had a so super fun Diego party! I like to call it: The Great Animal Rescue Party!

We invited some of our best friends over (to my mom's) and we all made spotting scopes! Because of course, you can't rescue any animal no matter how big or small without a good spotting scope!

Once we had our scopes all decorated and ready for action...the animal hunt began. Everyone got to run all over the house looking for carefully and skillfully hidden little animals!

That was my favorite part. Then we headed outside for an obstacle course! There were lots and lots of monkeys that needed to be rescued. One monkey was in the middle of the road (ride in the toy car to get him out of the road), one monkey needed to be fed (find the food on the other side of the tunnel, one monkey needed a bath (at the bottom of the slide), two monkeys were fighting and needed to make up (get them to use kind words) one monkey needed a chair built (rebuild that chair with wooden blocks), and one monkey needed help getting his jewelry on (ah..I love glow bracelts). It was very fun. Neal was in charge of this...and did a very awesome job. He had all the adults giggling too.

Then of course came the wonderfully amazing beautiful spectacular cake. My mom once again out did herself with it. She has bettter picture on her camera...but these aren't bad. You'll get the idea.

It was a great day!

I wanted to do more sewing!

2009-01-17T13:07:00.000-08:00

Oh...I hope my Aunt Shirley doesn't decide to read my blog today!

I'm a little behind on some of my x-mas presents...and I just finished making these plain ol kitchen towels beautiful for my mom's sister in Houston. I'm hoping these will look nice in her kitchen! I'll be shipping them off on Tuesday with a couple of new shiny white kitchen spoons!

Dear Addy,

2009-01-14T19:01:00.000-08:00

Ummm. Sometimes it is sooooo hard to be a mom. Sometimes I get it sooo wrong. And I know it. Sometimes I get it right. And I know it. But a lot of the time I'm just not sure if I did or said the right thing or the wrong thing. I have no way of knowing if what I told you or didn't tell you...did when you heard it in your heart. That is so scary.

I want more than anything for you to have a kind, generous, thoughtful, compassionate heart. I want for your head to be grounded yet imaginative. I want for you to be just who you are. And I want for your heart to love Jesus.

I want you to understand that life is hard...and you have to do your best with it.

I want you to understand that money means so little in this life when it really comes down to it.

I want you to understand that we all have to do things we don't want to do.

I want you to have experienced unconditional love through me.

I worry that you think I'm just mean. I worry that you think I'm too hard on you. I worry that you don't feel valued. I worry that you think I don't know anything about anything. I worry that you won't come to me when you are older with your mistakes and problems.

Tonight...I would give anything to be able to explain myself to you in about 14 years. Or even better, about the time YOU have 6 year old. I wish I could tell you THEN how badly I wanted to get it right NOW...and how much I hope TRYING to get it right might work in my favor.

I feel like I might not be teaching you enough about hard work...good habits...helping others...sigh.

Do you know my deepest fear...next to death maybe...is that you will grow up and think I did it wrong???

I've never been a mom to a 6 year old girl before. I hope you'll cut me some slack.

I love you little girl...

Mama

New Years 2009

2009-01-07T19:31:00.000-08:00

Me: Ellie and Addy! Hurry upstairs...we are going to have a toast to celebrate the New Year! (uh...yeah...my 4 and 6 year olds were both up until midnight!)
Ellie: WOO-HOO!

Ellie: *Running around like a crazy silly monkey sloshing her cup of juice everywhere* 5 ... 4... 3... 2...1...HAPPY NEW YEAR! Ok Mommy, where is my toast? I'm hungry. I want cinnamon and sugar on it!

Me: ummmmmmmm...

----------------------------------------

Resolution of 2008--Lets see how I did. (gulp)

1. As some of you know I lost quite a bit of weight this fall. I am re-upping my efforts and intend to lose the rest of the pounds I want to in 2008. --Well...I totally blame this problem on Gary and Kim. Which is also nuts because the last holiday I spent with Kim, she and Sally helped me shop for smaller sized jeans. Grrrrr. I ate my way back to my previous big self while submerged in grief. Dead people are always so inconsiderate. *totally joking* It doesn't help that people bring you cinnamon rolls and muffins and stuff while you are grieving. They ought to only bring healthy food. Though not really...cause you need bad food when your heart it broken. :)

2. I want to read more with my kids. Addy and I have decided to read 300 books in 2008. Paperbacks and novels. My mom gave me a really cute little notebook and we agreed to keep a list of the books we have read in there. At school she reads like 10 books a day and hit 100 books in like a month. I figure then at home we ought to be able to ready 300 in a year. Ellie and I are going to try for 100. --I quit keeping track after my year got derailed...I'm quite sure Addy and I have read 300 books. And I'm sure I read 100 to Ellie. Probably many many more.

3. I want to do some organizing in my house. More like one time organizing than life style organizing. I just have a few scary places that need some TLC. These places are: my buffet, our closets, our dressers, my linen closet, and an old army trunk. --Lets see...I did clean out my buffet...and then I sold it. I did clean out all those things...and I moved. So ... well ... it didn't really get me anywhere.

4. I want to write a letter to my bio-dad once a week. We could stay in touch better this way. --Well. Does a text message every other day count??? Probably not...but I know him much better this year than I did the last. :)

5. And lastly...I am going to do the 888 Challenge. You can read about it at www.triple8challenge.blogspot.com I'm just getting started on picking my books...so I'm a little behind. --I didn't finish it...yet. I'm still on it. But considering my awful year...and the fact I was reading The Pilots Wife when Gary and Kim died (a book detailing the grieving process of a dead pilots wife)...I didn't do too bad. Which...reading that book just before (like 2 days before) was all God.

I read 29 out of 57 books. Not bad. I'm sure there are more that I read...but I can' think of them. I read several books on grief over the summer, but I only wrote down two. My list was flexible. Its now the 889 list. :) I'm ok with that. I also never published my list. Maybe I will get to it 2009.

------------------------------------------------

2009 Resolutions:

1. Well...since Neal was diagnosed with diabetes in the middle of December...(yeah...more on that later)...we would be quite serious about losing some pounds and overhauling our eating. Neal started in December...I started after the new years party. :)

1b. Start a blog about my experiences with diabetes. There are not enough out there.

2. Finish my 889 list.

3. Figure out how to have kid friendly cars. I have this amazing friend who has her car all decked out to meet her kids needs in every situation. I thought that was so cool. I want to do that for my kids in our cars.

4. Start my family on pro-biotics and some other immunity enhancing herbs. I'm SICK of green snot and ear infections and puke.

5. Do more sewing. I'm off to a good start. I made a sleeping bag for Ellie's American Girl Doll today. Wooo-hoooo!

6. Continue to not use my dryer.

7. Have a fabulous summer.

8. Make a file for fun things to do during each season and holiday...so I don't go..."awww I forgot about that" after the holiday is over.

9. Be more supportive of my oldest daughter in a couple areas.

10. Be a scream-free parent.

11. Break the cycle of a particular lie I am have been believing. I'm almost free.

Hmmmm. I'm more ambitious this year. We'll see how it goes!!!

Poor Neglicted Blog of Mine.

2009-01-05T18:16:00.000-08:00

I repent.

Just a little gem to get us back in the swing of things. Several years ago...I don't remember if was a Christmas gift or a birthday gift, but Sally gave us the movie "Mary Poppins". Ellie has been particulary entralled and has watched it over and over and over without end for several day.

And as we walked down the grocery aisle today, she was singing at the top her little lungs...

...OH ITS A JOLLY HOLIDAY WITH MARY!!!! WHEN MARY 'OLDS YOUR HAND...YOU FEEL SO GRAND...YOUR HEART STARTS BEATING....LIKE....A....BIG...BRASS......BANNNNNNNNNND!!!!

...at which point she stomps her feet three times right on beat. And its pretty funny to hear her sing Supercalifragalisticexpialidocious (amazing attempt at spelling on my part) because she can only get part of all those big words...like precocious just comes out "cious" .

And tonight...I caught her standing in front of a very messy bookcase fiercly trying to snap her fingers at it. :)

Neal suggested maybe we need a break from Mary. :) Maybe. :)

Thanksgiving 2008

2008-12-02T07:49:00.000-08:00

Well. I've spent a lot of time this month thinking about the blessing I have, the blessing I don't have, the blessings I am afraid to lose, and the blessing I'm not afraid to lose. I have thought about the blessings I have and don't have by choice...and by randomness.

This year has been rough. I hear people say allll the time: "These are difficult times." Hmmm. True. Still...I have a lot to be thankful for.

Just a smattering:

-baskets of clean dry folded laundry
-sunny afternoons
-my cozy little house (while neither grand nor big...its precious to me)
-all the nice working appliances in my home
-my furniture
-2 paid for running cars
-no accidents or major illness while in between insurances
-all the times I have gone to buy food...and done so one way or another
-fabulous schools and teachers for both my children
-all the extras above survival
-coat and shoes
-netflix
-a portable dvd player
-our computer
-my girls super fun bunk beds
-the fact that even though Neal's job frustrates me and isn't doing what it need to do...he still has it...unlike so many other families
-My precious parents and family
-My precious friends

I am blessed. And thankful. And ready to move beyond weighing blessings against not blessing to a season that is merry and bright. (Well...except that Ellie threw up this morning...and while my Christmas tree is up...we are feeling neither merry or bright...and the car she threw up in CERTAINLY is NOT smelling merry.)

Neal made dressing:

I made 7 layer Jello Salad:

Ladd (my step brother) carving one of the two turkeys we devoured:

The men of course:

The moms put together a pinata -- and had the kids line up:

However, the pinata only made it through 3 kids:

We also did stockings for all these kiddos:

It was a fun weekend. Of course, there was drama here and there...but overall...a good time.

My Munchkin

2008-11-12T18:47:00.000-08:00

Here is my munchkin. She is fun and fabulous and silly and fast and trouble. Oh I love her.

Here is what happens when my munchkin steals my camera. Enjoy her own version of "photography":

I love being a mom. *** Updated!

2008-11-03T17:48:00.000-08:00

Last night...Ellie was having trouble settling down and going to sleep. She ended up snuggling with me in my bed for awhile. She was chatting with me and telling me silly things. Then we had the following conversation:

Ellie: Mama...do you know what?
Me: What sweetie?
Ellie: I don't think all boys are yucky.
Me: Really?
Ellie: No. Grammy's Grandpa isn't yucky. And Nana's Grandpa isn't yucky. And Grandpa Leslie isn't yucky. And Papa isn't yucky.
Me: True.
Ellie: But Gideon (a little boy at preschool) he IS yucky. And Austin is yucky too.
Me: Hmmm.
Ellie: But Diego is not yucky. Or Boots. Or Steve and Joe. Or Blue.

Oh may you never ever ever grow out of Diego. May you never ever find the boys in your class to be NOT yucky. :)

************************************

Nov 5th

Ellie: Mom, I think maybe Papa is yucky.
Papa: *Across the room eyebrows raise over his book*
Me: Oh...why is he yucky.
Ellie: He just got too much yucky.
Me: Really? Where is his yucky?
Ellie: Deep down in his tummy. Inside.
Me: Hmmm. Maybe you can squish it out.
Neal: *** glaring ***
Ellie: Ok. *skips over to her Papa and pushes his book out of the way...puts two tiny fists on Papa's tuumy and squishes as hard as she can* Ok...now open your mouth so the yucky can come out!
Me and Addy: ***giggling fiercly and watching the whole thing***
Addy: Sometimes I laugh so hard I almost pee my pants. *runs off to the potty*

It's beautiful here.

2008-11-02T11:35:00.000-08:00

There are no pictures I can take that would do any tree in my world justice. This morning on my drive to church, I was telling God how cool he was. I'm sure that out here in Kansas-- we can't compare to the scale of the "fall foliage" in like...Virginia. But. The trees we have...can sure hold their own. I saw a tree the other day that was sooo deeply red...it was almost purple. You rock, God. My personal fave is the golden leaves. Our yard is snowing gold. Its so fun.

Addy was trying to catch them while they were falling from the tree today. And then decided she needed a leaf collection. So precious.
However, my big blessing of the day is my laundry. While it sure gets cold here at night, and we have had our first couple of frosts...God has really left a lot of warmth in the day. Such a blessing. Which means...my fairly recent attempts at line drying our laundry has been very fruitful.

I wish I could tell you it was allll about going green. (And to be honest...I will probably never go back to using the dryer 100 percent.) But I started doing that because our last electric bill was absolutely absurd. No one told me that the little town we moved to is NOT on the power grid like the rest of America. No no. They use GAS generators to generate all our electricity. So not only do we have to pay for our expensive electricity...we also pay for the $3 a gallon gas it takes to operate the generators. I about passed out when I saw our bill. It was almost $100 dollars above the bill we received in the peak of summer at our previous home. I am out to cut our bill in half. We'll see.

I have since discovered that I LOVE to hang our laundry outside. We have a fenced in little private area in the back...so its perfect. I enjoy the time outside..even when its cool. I enjoy the rhythm of hanging out the laundry. I love way it all moves in the breeze. I love the smell of the wet woodish clothespins. I love the crunch of the leaves under my feet while I work down the line. And I love the way the laundry smells.

At first I resented it. But now I LOVE it. And I use the dryer on each load 5-10 minutes.

And the lingering warmth outside God is providing is such a huge blessing. The clothes do much better with a little warm breeze and some sun. The cool 50's work ok too...but this is sooo nice.
One Saturday, a friend asked me what I was going to be doing that day.

"Well...its warm and windy. So I'm doing laundry."

Harvest Celebrations: Part 1

2008-11-01T17:48:00.000-07:00

I HAVE taken time to enjoy the celebrations of fall and harvest the past few weeks. Those few moments of sheer delight were such welcome breaks during the havoc of October.

The big day was of course Halloween. And I really enjoyed my girls. And Halloween in special time for my mom and I to connect and enjoy the season. And here are the most 2 fabulous reasons why. An angel and a cheerleader. Addy made a beautiful angel...(and I MADE that costume!!!--with some encouragement from my mom!)

And Ellie wanted to be cheerleader like last year. So she was super cute as a little USA cheerleader girl.

The morning started out with this "head" room mom joining Addy's class for a parade around the school. The kids are all so cute and I love being able to check out all the costumes in the light. Then we headed inside for a fun party. One mom had made cute little skeleton cookies. And they made cute little candy corn guys.

I volunteered to spend the day at the school and help out with the Harvest Day Festivities. A friend of mine had her husband give a talk about farming. He had made a really neat video about harvesting soybeans. I had never seen a soybean plant up close. I thought it was really cool. The whole school broke up into groups and went around to centers. The kids got to ride in a horse drawn carriage...take a hay ride through a local park...make a fall snack mix...do a fall dance...make trees...paint huge mural pictures with seeds and beans...sooooooo fun. I got to eat lunch with Addy and have her be my helper sometimes. I loved being at school with her. And I thought the kids were very well behaved and did great! Part of me is regretting not being a teacher. I'm thinking about being a para.

In the evening, we joined my mom for a traditional Halloween dinner of rice cooked in milk with brown sugar and cinnamon on top. MMMMMMMmmmmm. Then we took pictures and headed out to trick or treat with friends. My mom came too, which was a HUGE blessing! We stopped by a church and did "trunk or treat" and then went to the fire station and around a neighborhood. We got LOTS of candy...and a lot of GREAT candy. We hit pay dirt with chocolate. :)

See! I like to call this Snicker Mountain.

And just for fun we sorted it all by flavor!

The silliest part of the night was when Ellie shoved most of a Reese's Cup in her mouth...gagged on it...spit in my hand and said, "Well. That didn't work. I need to try again!"

The girls had a blast and we came home exhausted. It was a fabulous evening.

Well.

2008-11-01T14:07:00.000-07:00

It is November 1st. Wow. I wasn't sure that I would live through this past October. This last month was a really tough one.

My brother in law RWR gave me a heart attack developing what we thought was West Nile, then Meningitis, then I'm not sure really what they decided. I paced my kitchen floor for several hours until I was sure I didn't need to rush to see him one last time. Goodness.

My dad spent awhile in the hospital battling blood clots in his lungs. Wheeze.

My daughter is battling a nasty round of bronchitis. Worry and Fret.

The economy has ran over my family like a mack truck. Flail.

And many other things that have seldom allowed me a moment to stop sobbing or barfing all over the hem of the Lord's robe. Frankly, I'm amazed to raise my head from his now severely stained garment to discover its November.

And I confess to being quite frustrated lately thinking about the upcoming holiday. Thanksgiving in particular...not sure I can manage to accomplish a grateful feeling this season. Not to mention...there is no Gary and Kim to share it with. Gulp.

So. I have decided to use my blog this season as sort of a blessing journal...a small way to move my weary heart towards healing and fullness.

So...I am on a journey to thanksgiving. Fun.

My Election 2008 Thoughts

2008-10-27T17:14:00.000-07:00

And here is what Jayme has to say about the election. Except I didn't write it. But if I had...this is what I would have said. I found this over at Our Little Apartment. It is exactly what I have been trying to teach my daughter about the ugliness surrounding this election. And why we have been trying to act different.

"In true dialogue, both sides are willing to change."

- Thich Nhat Hanh

I've had a lot on my mind lately, as I'm sure you do.

I've lost sleep, worried myself sick, and anxiously bit my nails to nubbins.

We're all (around here, anyway) engaged in the election and have been watching the same debates, the same news coverage, and the same TV ads. And, yet, we're more divided than ever.

I have friends and family planted firmly on both sides of the political divide, so I hear both complain about and mock the other "side" - and as many others have lamented, the fact that there are "sides" and we (to have any real chance of our candidate being elected) have to choose between two extremes is insane, anyway.

Whoever gets elected, I don't think our country will go to hell - despite emails, blog posts, videos, and websites I've read that insist otherwise. My dad claims that Barack is a terrorist who will make our country socialist and all freedom will be lost; while my co-worker maintains that McCain doesn't care about the poor or the rest of the world.

*** And I'm not Catholic...but I think it the idea applies to many other church groups as well. jw ********

Being Catholic only further exacerbates the divide - some Catholics ascribe to the One Catholic Way to Vote philosophy, and contend that a vote for Barack is a vote for violence against innocent babies. Other Catholics assert that a vote for McCain is a vote against Catholic Social Teaching.

These positions worry me - not because people disagree, but because of the way they disagree and the way that leads them to treat others.

And it saddens me so. Because I truly want to have a dialogue where we all respectfully discuss what is important to us, what excites us, why we're voting for X, what we hope for the future, and so on - without automatically assuming that someone who is voting for the other guy is an idiot who doesn't care about ______ (fill in: America, terrorists, babies, freedom, homosexuals, etc.).

When I've tried to have an honest and open dialogue with the "other side" this year, I've ended up being shouted at and cried into my ice cream sundae at Friendly's. No joke. That's hard to recover from.

I think the root of much of my frustration is that I feel as though people cling to political parties more than they consider candidates and issues. My 17-year-old cousin proclaimed on Facebook that she's "a [major political party]. Deal with it." People cheered her on: "Yeah! Proclaim it, girl!"

Wha-ha? How can someone, at such a young age - make that kind of weighted decision? To limit your views to a political party when you are 17 years old? That worries me. We're getting to be more polarized earlier and earlier - we're teaching our kids to see the world through our eyes instead of encouraging them to develop their own opinion at all.

Or as one of my friends would say, "Who wants to raise sheep!?"

Sure, it's much easier to just vote how your parents voted. To not examine the issues and to take other people's word for it. Examining and wrestling with issues is hard work. (It's easy to get sidetracked by the crazy 24 hour media circuits - but we've seemed to have forgotten about issues and pretend the candidates are celebrities worthy of gossip and stalking.) As factcheck.org will show - both candidates are misleading like crazy and NEITHER is perfect.
That's hard to swallow - for both sides.

This isn't meant to be a political rant or a "VOTE FOR OBAMA/MCCAIN!" post - merely a "How the heck did we get so darn polarized? And how do we make it stop?"

I, for one, pledge to never, ever vote based on party line. I'll examine each and every candidate I vote for.

Please, lovely, wonderful commenters - play nice if you want to say something, okay? Mwah.

somebody save me!

2008-10-18T15:08:00.000-07:00

Addy: Ellie! Something terrible has happened! The world is in DANGER! We have to save it!!!
Ellie: Ok (running down the hall)...your job is to save it...My job is to go potty.

Oh yeah....

2008-10-01T05:58:00.000-07:00

I am learning that as my kids get older...I can no longer just expect them to spend their free and empty time just "playing." I mean sure...they will go hang in their room together and play for awhile...but thats no good for all day...or for even the whole time after school. They need something to DO.

I'm scrambbling a little bit to kick my mommyhood up a notch. I am trying to build up an arsenal of activities to direct them to, but I am also facing the challenge of being smack in the middle of a saggy baggy economy AND financial peace. Hmmm. So...I need free activities...with stuff already at home.

I found a really cool website that I have linked on my blog, called "Mom, I'm Bored." It has some great ideas.

It also finally dawned on me that my book loving family should head out to the library. However...even Addy would be the FIRST to tell you that I am terrible at returning books. Once I have a 10 cent fine...I get all nervous and crazy about going back into the library. And then I end up with an 80 dollar fine...and well. Neal doesn't even like me to go IN. I convinced him to let me have another chance...and we headed there last night.

And it was so fun. I knew they had a super fun children's library...but I didn't realize the girls would would run right for books and snuggle down in the overstuffed animals and read for awhile. Or that they had Addy's fave American Girl magazine. Or that they had oodles of puzzles and games. Or that they would have hard to find videos to take home...and books on tape for KIDS...and CD's of fun kids music.

We were hard pressed to keep our take home pile to under 20. And they begged for "reading time" before soccer when we got home. Which was very cool. Oh YEAH!

We came home with a really cool Lynn Cheney book on America...a very funny book about warthogs, a Toot and Puddle book (which of course makes them laugh), a giant book about all the really cool things you can build with legos, a Kit Kittridge book (which we have seen the movie but not the book...so it seems really exciting to read the book now), a book about a little girl who worried about school, a design book for Mommy, a DVD for the grown ups, a DVD for kids (which has several short little stories on it including Chicka Chick Boom Boom), a book on tape for Papa, a book on tape for Mommy from her 888 list, AND a new beloved bookmark for Addy.

Ellie's favorite part is that the children's library is painted to be like a castle...and how cool is that. The elevator door is a castle door and slides open all fun and exciting. We rode it twice.

Oh the treasures.

Duh...now if I can just keep from getting a fine. :)

Serious thoughts from my children:

2008-09-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

We have been watching "The March of the Penguins" at our house.

Addy: (Leaning over the kitchen counter at me...looking quite intense and deep) Mom...the last penguin in the line...has the farthest to go.
Me: Um...well...

And last night since the natives were quite restless we got out the bikes and scooters and headed around our neighborhood to burn some energy. Ellie and Addy like to be in the lead and direct our ride.

Ellie: (Looking intensely over her shoulder at us) Which way next? Left or right?
Neal: LEFT!
Ellie: Ok. (Getting her little feel lined up again on the pedals) Which way is that?

What REALLY happens at church:

2008-09-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

When Neal gets to be home before the girls bedtime, it is always his job to put the girls to bed. He loves to use this time to tell them Bible Stories, to work on Bible Knowledge stuff, to sing and pray with them.

Tonight he was talking to them about the purpose of the Bible and the purpose of the Church. I'm pretty sure that he was trying to convey how important God's people are...how important the stories in the Bible are to us...and what we do at church because we are God's people.

Neal: What do we do at church?
Ellie: We eat and sit and sing and listen...ooooh and we PAINT!

Ahhh...how important it is that God's people paint. :)

She came home Sunday with the cutest green painted handprint with the words "God loves me" on it.

Hmmmm...maybe we DO need to paint. :)

fall is coming fall is coming fall is coming

2008-09-22T13:54:00.000-07:00

Is anyone besides me sooooo tired of running the AC? Even if it just for a little bit? Anyone sick of sweating while you run the hairdryer???

I am ready for the fullness of fall to envelop me...and remove the last remnants of summer. I am ready for the forecast so stop reading 84 82 81 86 82...and start reading 67 68 70 66 70.

While I was driving around town today...I was wishing wishing wishing for my camera (of course I didn't have it with me.) There are several trees around time with just a patch of red or orange blazing forth. AH-HA! It IS coming!!!!!!! Hopefully later on I can snag some pictures.

Summer is soooooo my least fave season...and it seems to last the longest. Bring on fall...and then the coziness of winter!!!!!!!

(It IS coming right?)

Let me Clarify something:

2008-09-13T19:17:00.000-07:00

1. No one ever believes me when I tell them how tough Ellie is.
2. I do not support, sponser, or even like C00rs Light. They were however a sponser for my mother's raquetball tournament at the Club House in Dodge City in 1984...and I got a shirt for it...and cool news...it still fits Ellie...and I love for her to wear it.
3. Tonight while jumping on my bed (which I totally encourage in my house)...Ellie misjudged and whacked her head on the bed frame. These funny shots ensued...and then ended with a return to jumping on my bed. She is TOUGH I tell you!

A post of few words:

2008-09-13T18:22:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling with trusting God completely. I believe Lord, help my unbelief. These pictures were all taken in front of my house standing in the street during the flooding issues of the past weekend.
Jayme...this is God. Are you hearing me?

Special Dedications to:

2008-09-11T11:45:00.000-07:00

Laura of Heavenly Homemakers...

Dave Ramsey with Financial Peace University

My small group

-------------------

I have always tried to be supremely real on my blog. So here goes.

My small group has started in a 13-week study on financial matters by Dave Ramsey called Financial Peace University. I had already read one of his books...and had some understanding of what was coming.

Neal does amazing at his job...and so far...there have been only a few times for us to really be wondering where the money would come from to pay our bills. But...I don't work. Do the math for the average American family...and you can quickly deduce that we aren't rolling in the dough and most certainly live from pray-check to pray-check. And since staying home with our kids is the top top top priority and value for our family...we have had to work hard to make that happen. And sometimes we have made poor choices...and sometimes life is hard.

Dave Ramsey's first tip for financial freedom and peace is to save $1000 dollars as fast as you can for emergencies. Because emergencies will come. And then if you have that money...you don't have to whip out the credit card to save yourself...which ends up not really saving you.

I tried to share with our group...and I am not sure they believed me...that this will be a real test for Neal and I to get this fund. We are so careful with our dollars...knowing we don't have much to work with. I feel like we have already "cut the fat" out of our lifestyle. We don't have pets, we don't have a car payment (and one car has a vicious crack in the windshield we refuse to fix), we don't have cable, we almost never eat out anywhere more expensive than taco bell (and when I'm not in the middle of grief work...I usually make everything from scratch), I don't color my hair, I don't get mani/pedi/facials, we rarely go out to bowl or the movies, we almost never get a babysitter for anything, we don't have our kids in lots of extra activities, I'm careful about running the AC (I confess to being terrible about leaving lights on), we don't have a home phone, we use Netflix instead of renting movies, we don't make expensive purchases on clothes or electronics or furniture. Our cars and computer were the big purchases of the last two years...and we payed cash for both. It's really hard for me to know where to cut back.

I am, however, determined. I am going to be making an effort to find some houses to clean...and doing my best to find the hidden ways to cut back. I have come up with two ways so far. Number 1: Give up my deep-seeded need for lots and lots of Diet Dr. Pepper. I just bought a case of coke...and after its gone...every 12 days that goes by...I'm going to add 7 dollars to the fund. We have an ice maker in our fridge...so I'm planning on making a lot of tea.

Number 2: This is where it gets scaryyyyy. I asked Neal this morning if I could get a hair cut. My hair needed a trim soooooooo badly and my bangs were getting so crazy long. He of course said yes...but I was really struggling with the 20 bucks it would cost to get it done. I considered calling Jill--who is amazing at hair...and probably wouldn't charge me a thing...but I know she is sooooo busy. (Hi ya!) I spend 30 seconds thinking about this post by Laura...and I picked up the scissors and CUT MY OWN HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't say I'll be cutting anyone else's hair for a living...and all I did was trim up the bottom...cut my bangs...and cut off the crazy long angled front hair that was driving me crazy. The back is still layered all cute from a professional. Still...its not bad...and I'll have Neal double check the back when he gets home. Its not that hard. Woo-hooo! 20 bucks for the fund!!!!!!!!!!!!! And here is the picture...which was harder to get than to cut my own hair!!

We can do this. So...all you pray-ers out there...pray that we can get our fund together quickly...and that I can find some houses to clean to help out!!!!!!!

My Fabulous Pre-Schooler!

2008-09-04T07:38:00.000-07:00

Today is Ellie's first day of Pre-School!!!! Look out world...here comes Ellie. My little fire cracker is starting out to make a great big bang. I'm not even a teensie bit sad. I'm so excited for her to starting "creating" something that is just hers. She wasn't a bit sad either. She RAN into the room this morning.

Ellie: Mom, this time I don't want you to come with me.

I felt bad for the mom whose kid was screaming the minute they hit the parking lot. Addy cried a little the first week at her preschool...but I was so convinced she needed it so much that it really didn't bother me. I felt so bad for that mom of the crying kid. The mom had tears running down her face on the way out. I was much happier to have the kid who ran into class not worried a bit about me. The oddest sensation for me was dropping/picking up Ellie without trailing a sleepy/active/grumpy toddler on my hip. All these experiences with Addy, I had Ellie in tow. I need a baby. Sigh.

We took these pictures this morning. The problem with Ellie...is that she is NEVER ever still. Her little body is just rock solid muscle...cause she never stops moving. so the picture session was a little silly. Sorry for the cheese. :)

We started out the morning with homemade oatmeal banana pancakes. She was so excited she had a hard time settling down to eat...and finally just had to come back to her plate after we were all dressed and ready. Silly thing.

Here is Ellie all dressed up in her first day outfit!

And of COURSE we would have a DORA backpack. Life wouldn't be worth living without Dora. :)

And the pictures of all the swirling, dancing, and jumping while I tried to get a good picture.

And here I had her looking at a step stone while smiling AT the stone so I could get just a few good ones. :) I love her.

And here she is...happily in her class.

September 1st

2008-08-31T22:23:00.000-07:00

Around the first of June...I thought there was nooooo way I would ever make it until today. I can't tell you how many times I said or thought, "If it would just be
September...". I figured if I could see may way out of the oppressiveness of summer...surviving until September...I imagined I would be able to find my footing and start to climb out of the deepest darkest hole ever.

And if you had told me on June 1st...that by Sept 1st I would have moved, prepared two kids to start a new school year, done two garage sales, be a soccer mom, survived a week without my husband, and done a myriad of other things...I would have literally thrown up on your shoes.

My heart is still broken. I miss Gary. I miss Neal having Gary for a brother. I miss Kim. I miss having that sister. I miss hearing their names. I miss their jokes. My heart THROBS every time I walk by my closet and there is Kim's shirt hanging there...or glancing over at the bouquet from her wedding...or finding her picture in some spot I wasn't expecting it. JUST today I found baby pictures of Gary in my MOM's garage leftover from a project I was working on.

It still hurts on September 1st. Its not over. Its not gone. I still can't make decisions very well...or handle stress like I could before...or make it through a single part of church without crying. Even a budget meeting. 3 months...might as well be 10 years.

I am finding my footing. Finding a new normal. I started really cooking again...we haven't eaten out all week. I made roast, pretzels, homemade pizza, homemade macaroni and cheese. I'm surviving hard changes in the relationships around me...and not being shattered by them. (Loving people is hard and messy sometimes.)

And each degree that the thermometer drops...I know we are getting closer and closer to fall. And that oppression of summer and heat and time...is lifting. Not so much that I'm free or healed. But enough I can see small changes.

I even need to get my hair trimmed. (I cut it mostly off -- in an effort to have a way to proclaim grief -- and to mark time).

I even have a little to give others. Or at least I try. If you had told me on June 1...that by now I could handle anyone else's pain on top of my own...I would have to hand you a mop again for your shoes.

I feel stained. Stained with death, horror, grief, ugliness, smallness, brokenness. And at the same time, I feel redeemed. Redeemed by understanding, rebuilding, compassion, grace, and defeated death.

Without God, I would be nothing more than ash. Burnt up and destroyed.

A friend and I are working our way through Beth Moore's study, "Breaking Free." We have found this study to be timed to reach directly into our day and announce -- Here is the message from the Lord your God."

--From the study this week:

God never allows or appoints a fire unless He can bring beauty from the ashes. He can bring you through without even smelling like smoke. (Lord...the smell of the smoke chokes me sometimes...can you really remove even the smell??? Please, Lord.) We cannot often refuse the fire, but we can refuse to be refined by it. (Please Lord, refine me. Don't let the fire be for nothing.) The ultimate goal of the Refiner is to see HIS reflection in the precious metal. (I could not ask for more.)

Isaiah 61:3 -- To all how mourn in Israel, he WILL give beauty for ashes, JOY instead of mourning, praise for despair.

Genesis 32:26 -- But Jacob panted, " I will NOT let go until you bless me."

Our newest Netflix love:

2008-08-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

Its as good as I remembered...you know...watching the re-runs as a kid!

Welcome Back, Kotter! And Epstein, and Barbarino, and Horshack, and Washington!

More Box Fun

2008-08-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

The only thing better than turning your boxes into rocket ships while mom is packing...is turning them into boats for all you lovies while mom is unpacking. :) I found Ellie today conducting a cruise line for her lovies.

Here is what happens when she yells out..." All Aboard!!!!!!!!!!"

Last night she declared this same box full to the brim of lovies her "lovie box bed." Then she got really mad at Neal when he informed her she could in fact NOT sleep in the box.

Can I tell you something funny Ellie said that has nothing do with the box boat? Good. She looked all squinty up close at my freckled face and said, "Mom, you have polka dots all over your face."

Anyway...I have been working on their bedroom. Here is a picture of a good chunk of their toys and books unpacked and organized on my boat shelf.

And here is a special picture. While my mom was packing up her house, she came across these super cute Care Bear things. She made these for my nursery when I was born. I think they are so fun, and I took them to college with me. I asked the girls if they liked them -- and of course they did. So now they are gracing the girls wall with cheer and ... well ... care. :)

Step by step its all coming together...and in the mean time...nothing like playing in a good box.

My NEW HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-27T07:22:00.000-07:00

Alright already. I have been scolded. My first priority today is updating my blog!!!!!!!

My newest moving tips.
1. NEVER move at the same time as your mom. You can't help each other very well. And then EVERYONE is melting down with no safe place. :) Mom hands over her keys to her house today.
2. NEVER move at the exact same time school is starting. Too many changes at once causes the little people to melt down.
3. NEVER move at the same time a sport season is starting. I was already struggling to find clean clothes everyday for me...but to also find shin guards and soccer socks, AND cleats. Whew.
4. ALWAYS have an amazing small group to help you move. My small group from church came over...and in ONE hour had my entire townie emptied. And in the next hour had everything unloaded at the new place. And in the next hour...beds together and made...fridge pieced back together and cleaned...banister taken down put back up and repaired...pizza ordered...kids bathed and ready for school the next day. It is an incredible feeling to be loved. And I've watched many amazing friends swoop in and do similar things for my mom.
5. NEVER send your kids to your inlaws house to be babysat on moving day when they are about to come down with the flu. Having to rush over and pick up your kids so they can puke in peace makes your head spin. My house got moved and I wasn't even THERE!

Here are pics of what I have been working on...instead of blogging. :)
My front porch. Notice I covered up my address so that the whole world doesn't know exactly where I live. :) This duplex feels a lot like a house.

This is my favorite thing in my new house. It is a shelf that my FIL made from the door of a barn at the Hamm family farm. I just got it...and I think it is fabulous. 100 percent "me" and it is so special. It sits in my living room.

I have already gotten Neal to hang up my quilt. I have a really special one my mom made for me that goes up in the fall. I can hardly wait each year for fall to get it up.

I took this picture standing in the corner of my front door looking into the VERY open living room and kitchen!

My fabulously awesome kitchen!

The view from the kitchen into the living room:

A peek into my unpacked and finished bathroom:

Here is what the not yet worked on parts looked like. I'm working on this part today. Its the stuff on my desk in my bedroom.

Here is what the girls call their "Secret World" out in the back.

A view of the side yard and wonderful shade tree:

And a view pics of the biggest down side. Here is the major water leak going on under that shade tree-- that is on the city side of the water pipes. "It's on the agenda." Great...in the mean time we are like a mosquito factory.

I'm still super excited...and loving the new place. Neal and I both feel like we are living in a town for the first time in years. And that 5 minute drive...to school...practice...anyway...is amazing. :)

My townhouse

2008-08-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

Tonight is our last night in our super special little townhouse. I always thought it looked so cozy and warm...like a little cabin tucked away. I loved living here. I loved the neighbors :), the sidewalk circles, the well maintained grounds, the super nice manager.

I am however, so so so excited about our new place. It is bigger...and better. The kitchen is bigger and open and nice with new appliances. I have a laundry room, a nice yard...a private patio. I will love not driving like a maniac lots of times a day. For less dollars.

Goodbye little townie...you were fun.

My Fabulous First Grader

2008-08-13T06:13:00.000-07:00

School starts today!!!!!!

Addy: (this morning as we are getting ready) Yesterday, I was nervous, but today I am just exCITED!!!!!!!!!!

And she was so totally giddy.

I'm pretty excited about this year too. I got the teacher I requested, fall is coming, Addy will be learning and doing such awesome things -- its alll good. And while she doesn't get to be in the same class as her buddy Tristan...he was waving and glad to see her. And she gets to be in a class with some of my friends kids...so its alll good. :)

Here are some of her super cheap or re-used supplies that we "sparkled" up for the new year.

And here is her fabulous outfit and backpack which she totally picked up on her own.

And here are the fabulous cinnamon rolls I got up at 4AM to make. Her big eyes and smile when she saw them were totally worth it. :) (That's a caramel ooey gooey icing in the middle) Laura made a fabulous suggestion to use the whole wheat soft pretzel dough recipe as the dough for these...FABULOUS!

And the must have pic with the school sign:

And the picture of the "enough already mom" face:

I was warned.

2008-08-11T13:00:00.000-07:00

Grief sucks.

Lots of people had gently warned me that just when you thought you were ok and had a handle on things...something would trigger you and you would have some hard times.

I think that mostly...I'm on the verge of over-extension...which leaves me feeling tired and emotional.

Neal spent the entire last week in Tulsa, OK for work. I did really good while he was gone...managed the kids, my packing, my time...fairly well I think. I melted a little on the last evening he was coming home. I'm glad it wasn't for a second week as originally planned.

I cannot pack up any single room in my house without running into something that reminds me of Gary and Kim which always brings a fresh stabbing to my heart. Including this morning when I was dealing with utility issues for our new place. They handed me list of "town rules" including which dogs were not allowed. I fully intended to e-mail Kim and inform her that pit bulls were not allowed in the town I was moving to and give her a bad time about it. :) It took my brain about 10 minutes to realize I couldn't. That made me sooooooooooo sad. Even though I really hate pit bulls. :) Here is a picture of Kim's dogs. :) Oreo and Jonah. Mostly because every post is better with a picture.

And finally this morning...I took back over the black dress I borrowed to wear to their funeral to my friend Jill. So stupid. I totally got all teary when I handed her the dress. I'm crying just sitting here. Stupid dress. Stupid dress that I was so grateful to have.

And I went to a funeral for the grandpa of one of my long time friends -- Rachel. I was so sad for her to lose a fixture in her life...and I started crying the minute we hit the parking lot of the church. It was awful...the remembering of Gary and Kim's funeral. It was horrific to watch their family walk in and out...remembering so clearly how that felt. And how it felt to sit in those stupid green velvety chairs beside the graves.

And as I'm wrapping my mind around the fact that no one gets a "fee pass" against their own funeral...I'm just...feeling...teary.

Jill loaned me C.S. Lewis's book on grief. I'm so excited about that...I had been meaning to look for it at the library.

Oh...and 3 out of the 4 of us have colds. Isn't that awesome. No charge.

The advantages of moving

2008-08-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

Boxes. Many many boxes. And for kids...its like heaven. Why don't we just get them new shiny boxes at Christmas???

Addy and Ellie have turned two of my boxes into rocket ships. And their creativity totally reminds me of Davi's amazing boys over at Little Band of Brothers.

Anyway...here is picture of Addy in her rocket. And notice how dressed up she is for her visiting the dudes on Jupiter.

Her rocket comes complete with a lever for take off and landing, a power button, a space phone, and a space food vending machine with dehydrated food. She's all set. Except for a helmet. Ok, No Problem.

And here the two rocket ships had a near space collision.

Ellie and Nana: An Ode to the Blue Popsicle

2008-08-05T07:50:00.000-07:00

The Homestretch of Summer

2008-08-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

Signs it's the end of summer:

1. Invitations to super huge pool parties.
2. I go a little crazy trying to cram in as many swimming sessions at my mom's pool as possible. I swam twice one day last week.
3. Furious packing sorting and deciding about all the stuff in my house as the end of summer move date approaches.
4. Ten thousand promises made of shopping for a back to school first day outfit. School starts for Addy in about 9 days.
5. Ten thousand reminders to Ellie that even though she doesn't start until September, she is going to school too.
6. Soccer kicks into full swing with three practices a week until the games start in about 2 weeks.
7. Regrets over the things that I didn't do or teach my kids this summer. (I have an excuse this summer. The lack of functioning really did me in.) I did manage to make sure that Ellie knows ALL her letters and the sounds they make before preschool starts. 1 point for Mommy. :)
8. A mad dash to finish seeing the summer blockbusters on the big screen. I finally managed to take Addy to see "Kit Kitridge: An American Girl." And I manged to swing that at the drive in. 2 more points for Mommy. It was really good.
9. Papa Murphy's sent out "Back to School" coupons. I'm in heaven.
10. Ummm...I never finished blogging about July and I only have 9 days of summer left before school starts.
11. The peak of summer hotness has hit. At the same time I hate 101 temps...it also means the max of summer is hitting and there is only place to go from here. Fall.

BRING ON FALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Little Ship

2008-07-31T07:19:00.000-07:00

I stood watching as the little ship sailed out to sea. The setting sun tinted his white sails with a golden light, and as he disappeared from sight a voice at my side whispered, "He is gone."

But the sea was a narrow one. On the farther shore a little band of friends had gathered to watch and wait in happy expectation. Suddenly they caught sight of the tiny sail and, at the very moment when my companion had whispered, "He is gone" a glad shout went up in joyous welcome, "Here he comes!"

I have an announcement to make.

2008-07-23T12:40:00.000-07:00

Ahem. Because apparently my plate isn't full enough-- (I imagine some of my friends and family are snickering.)

--My family has decided to....

M. O. V. E.

Now before you freak out on me...its a relatively small move...just to the town where Addy is going to school. About 10 miles away.

I'm imagining Sally starting to turn red as I move yet further away from the correct side of town. :)

And we are moving...like now. I currently have 3 boxes packed up. We have about...oh...3 weeks or so.

Gulp.

Start praying people...Jayme's on the edge!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Gratituesday: Laura Ingalls Wilder

2008-07-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

On the way back from our trip to the Hamm Bash...we made a super fun little side stop. And it was sooooo cool. We stopped at the Little House on the Prairie House. It was really cool...even though not their actual house...it is a good replica...and probably very close to the actual location.

The thing I am grateful though is for finding this quote. It is hanging on my bedroom door right now...and I love it. The lady I purchased it from mentioned she thought it should be made into billboards and posted allll over the country. I agree.

"It is best to be honest and truthful, to make the most of what we have, to be happy with simple pleasures, and to be cheerful and have courage when things go wrong."

--Laura Ingalls Wilder

I'm grateful we stopped as a family.
I'm grateful the girls love these stories.
I'm grateful that LIW is still blessing people.
I'm grateful that because of Jesus...I can be courageous when things go wrong.

By the Numbers

2008-07-19T18:13:00.000-07:00

July 6 - July 12th 2008

10 -- The number of people staying for a week in Grammy and Grandpa's house
12 -- The number of people if Neal and RWR showed up too
15 -- If Sally and the Kernel and the Lil Major came too
2 -- Times we went to the really big super fun pool with super fun slides
400 -- Collective times we went down said super fun slide
1 -- Trip to Exploration Place

4 -- New lovies as souvenirs from a fun trip
3 -- Rides on 2 different carousels
10 -- Times the hose was used for cooling off outside
500 -- Towels used for baths and water fun
400 -- Baths for kids (100 per kid)
7 -- Frogs caught ( I have the froggie eye)

3 -- Scooters Ridden

500,000 -- Loads of laundry done by Crystal and I
4 -- Trips to the library
3 -- Animals on exhibit at a trip to the library (Snake, Salamander, Meal Worm)
2 -- Haircuts done by Grammy
2 -- Space classes put on by the girls
7 -- or 8? planets
75 -- individual juice boxes consumed
500 -- bowls of ice cream we ate

75 -- Trips to the grocery store ... in just one day
2 -- books finished on my 888 list
4 -- buckets and paintbrushes to water paint outside
4 -- movies watched
2 -- batches of cream cheese frosting made
20 -- times I made myself sick eating cream cheese frosting
3 -- bags of toffee Sally made that we ate
2 -- new Mommy bracelets
3 -- sisters that have matching bracelets
4 -- pairs of flip flops said sisters ordered
1 -- Grief support meeting attended
1 -- time I sassed my MIL (or so SHE thought...I was actually innocent)
3 -- flags drawn on the driveway by the RWR

1 million -- Times I missed Gary and Kim

for Laura

2008-07-19T14:40:00.000-07:00

This is Diana Gabaldon. I read her book "Outlander." Its good. :)

for Laura

2008-07-19T14:29:00.000-07:00

Now THIS is Elie Weisel. Now, and at 15...just before he was put on a train to hell. He is one tough dude. If I met him, I would hug him and say thank you. He is a holocost survivor...who is telling his story so that humanity might learn from such a dark empty time. And so that he can help others. His book is hard to stomach...I feel a little quesy even thinking about it. But he is a very good teller. I salute you, Elie.

for Laura

2008-07-19T14:26:00.000-07:00

This is Lemony Snicket. He wrote those fun silly "A Series of Unfortunate Events" books. I think they are really cute. The first book "The Bad Beginning" was on my 888 list under the "Just for Fun" category. His real name is Daniel Handler. I like Lemony much better. :)

for Laura

2008-07-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

This is Avi. He is a writer. He wrote "The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle." It is actually a book for young readers...but I read it and thought it was really good. And other people must think so too...because I had a terrible time catching it in the library. He has crazy hair. Maybe you should cut it. :)

Kim's Birthday

2008-07-17T18:45:00.000-07:00

July 16th. Would have been...should have been...Kim's Birthday.

And the only course of action was to go. To her grave. On her day. And to put flowers on her grave...as a way to honor her. Sigh. And it was hard.

I took the girls with me. Neal and Addy have been discussing what a soul is...and how Kim and Gary are still living. And where their bodies are. Tough stuff.

And of course...they are only buried about 5 miles from the field they died in...so once again I drove there. But of course the car is gone now. I cried. The path of the tornado is still so visible.

And this time at the graves, the headstone is up. And its weird to put it on my blog...but whatever. I'm feeling a little frazzled from the trip and the emotional upheavel...but I know that I will still be ok. And there is a least another first out of the way. Two even. The first time it was Kim's birthday -- and the first time seeing the stone.

Neal's parents stone is already up for a future day. I informed Neal's dad as soon as we got out of the car that HE got the lovely job of explaining to Addy why there are TWO stones instead of one. Because believe me...she noticed and asked about it right away. CREEEEEPY!

I took daisies...because she loved them...in two super fun bright colors. Because...those are the ones she would have picked I think. And then I took white roses for her...red for Gary...and pink that symbolized the beauty they made together.

And I shared some daisies with a special aunt...who I know is enjoying being with Gary and Kim. (I love you, Laura!)

Gratituesday: Music Machine edition (thanks Sally)

2008-07-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

With a ball of white string
I can do many things
Tie a bow on a gift for you

Fly a kite free
Tie a star to a tree
Strap a sling
Make a ring for a trick or two

Twist
Twirl and
Wind things

Tie up and Bind things

But there are some things that string can never do

String can't bind a broken heart
when its been torn apart
Mend a friendship that's almost through

Can't pull hate out
Tie up fear
Wrap out doubt

String is useless when it comes to me and you

----

I'm grateful for the one who does what string cannot do.
Check out Laura at Heavenly Homemakers who is hosting Gratituesday.

My Healing Experience

2008-07-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

So...to continue my last post...here is what happened that finally brought me some peace in my grief.

My cousin, the (amazing, kind, compassionate, and gifted) counselor, said, "There are some things we could do to help you. It won't take away your grief, but we can help you from drowning in it. Do you want to?"

Yes. Oh yes please.

She took me inside and had me hold out my arm. She had me say, "My name is Jayme." And then she tried to push my arm down. And she couldn't. Then she had me say, "I am a boy." I couldn't keep my arm up that time. For anything.

As I understand it...you subconscious mind controls your heartbeat, breathing, and muscle activation and deactivation. So...if your subconscious mind really knows the truth...it appropriately activates and deactivates your muscles in response to stimulus. And in this case -- the stimulus was her questioning me in relation to my grief.

(I could be explaining this so badly it might even be untrue...but its how I got it.)

She prayed first for us...and then quietly...so I couldn't even really hear her...would ask me things. And she so gently and kindly reminded me that Satan wants to feed us lies, to keep us in bondage. And if Satan could get me believing lies...especially about Gary and Kim's death...my grief would be turned into a prison. She was so patient and kind and compassionate. She one at a time found the lies I was believing...and helped me to break them. Or helped me to let the Spirit break them. It was really a much more spiritual thing than a physical one.

She was soooo gifted by the Lord at this.

She would ask me things...that my arm indicated to be true...that I wouldn't have been able to straight out tell you was true. For example, if you asked me if I was mad at Gary and Kim...I would have said, "Of course not. Sometimes things just happen and its no ones fault." (Front Brain response) However, my subconscious answered, "I need to forgive Gary and Kim for dying." I couldn't keep my arm from betraying my deepest thoughts. ARGGGGGGGGGG! Laura was sitting right there with me...and it was a horrific experience (and really comforting and good) having to admit in front of her that I was mad at them for dying on me...and really I was mad at Gary for not stopping and spending the night in Pratt. Or say...mad at God. If you asked me...I would have said..."No. I'm not mad. He has a plan. And he is good...and I'm ok with his plan."

I wouldn't have been able to say...

"I need permission to be happy again. I can't be happy again and honor Gary and Kim."
--Lie.
"I am a bad person if I am happy."
--Lie.
"I am never ever ever ever again going to be ok."
--Lie.
"I have to be responsible for the survival of my family. It is my job to keep them safe and keep something like this from happening to them. I have to keep them alive."
--Lie.

Truths she gave me:
The only way to honor Gary and Kim, is to live fully and enjoy my girls and my husband. Gary and Kim loved my girls...and enjoyed them. Enjoying my girls honors them. Not by being devastated forever.
I will be ok. Because God is a good God whose love is healing and powerful and amazing. And I WILL be ok. And they would want me to be ok.
I am not a bad person for being happy. God gave us our families...and I am hanging onto all the super fun things to do in the fall with my kids.
God is responsible for my family not me. He holds life in HIS hands not mine.

Each time she found a lie in my heart, she would have me say, "I reject the lie that...." And then she would very gently replace that lie with truth. God's truth. I was so not hearing truth...I was hearing lies. And some of those rejections were really really really hard for me to say. And sometimes I still have to remind myself what is lie and what is truth. But now that I am not bound by those lies...I am so much better...and am beginning to think there is a light...at the end of my tunnel (thank you L) and that one day...he will restore all my joy.

She also did some cool stuff to help allll the parts of my brain to work on the problem of their death. Not just my emotions. My logic too. And since we store emotion in our bodies...she helped clear out allllll the yuck...and put in some good.

I am soooooo much better. And I'm ok with being better. Woooo. My heart still hurts...and I miss them soooo much. But I would say...I don't feel tortured anymore.

So to echo Laura, .... DON'T BELIEVE THE LIES!!!!!!!! Although...its helpful to identify the lie first. :)

Remembering the Friday of the Hamm Bash

2008-07-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

We woke up Friday morning (the 4th) and got mostly ready. Mostly ready because Crystal and I were taking the kids first thing over to Golden Corral for breakfast...and we didn't want to ruin their matching outfits with syrup. And it was a good thing too...because P.M. spilled yogurt head to toe right off the bat. I wish I had taken a picture of THAT.

(And we stayed in a pretty cheap hotel...but the girls and I really enjoyed our time in the rented space. Addy thought it was a palace. ahahahahahha)

After breakfast we went in search of the RWR who had skipped breakfast in favor of a walk. He walked so far we had to get pick him up...but he found a really really nice park to get picked up in. So we let the cousins run around at the playground for awhile. They had a great time. I noticed that in that same area was a mini-golf park...and a pool. Is it crazy that I think Dewey might be a fun vacation spot?

Then we headed back to clean all up for lunch. Lunch was yummy. And then the rest of the afternoon was for visiting and relaxing.

Crystal and I spent some time connecting with some cousins who had also lost a brother in a car thing (thing because I can't say accident). Terry died like 13 years ago...and it was sooooo helpful to hear them talk about their own experiences with grief. And now I know them so much better. And I think they are both so special and funny. And they were so gracious to talk and talk and talk to us.

And then Crystal and I sat down to make cards. She had never made cards...and it was so fun watching her discover the pure bliss of designing and making your own card. We have continued to get out the stamp and paper goodies this week. This however...makes my heart miss Kim, because she was a card maker too...and she would have LOVED this year at the Hamm Bash.

Somewhere in all this...the Kernel...was found writhing in pain from a dislocated shoulder. My heart just about exploded for him. He is so big and strong and steady that it was awful to watch him hurt so bad. And I thought Sally just might throw up from watching him hurt so bad. He finally got it to go back in...but not before turning the color of dirty paper. Earlier in the afternoon...I beat him at ping pong. :) I'm sure the injury was due to my bootie-whipping ping pong skills. I even managed to beat the RWR once ... but mostly he did the whipping.

And that evening, Laura and her family FINALLY arrived...and we got to cry and talk and hug and that was soooooo good. And I kept thinking while we stood there hugging and crying, how it just wasn't right that our meeting this time was so...not the happy reunion of blogging buddies it was supposed to be. grrrrrrr.

During all this the kids got to watch movies.

After dinner, which was awesome, I mentioned they showed videos. The first video was the video that Sally, Crystal, and I put together of Gary and Kim for the funeral. It was followed by one of the news broadcasts with an interview from Wayland and Millie. I knew it would hard to watch again...but I didn't really expect it to rip through me. I was shaking, and sobbing (loudly), and I could hardly sit still. I wanted to throw up. All I could think was, "THEY AREN'T HERE--THEY AREN'T HERE--THEY AREN'T HERE." I had been having a hard time anyway. Walking in the door to the Bash each time...knowing they weren't inside. Getting everyone in a circle to pray...and they weren't there. Watching everyone family whole and complete...and ours had a horrifically huge hole. It was awful. And I kept thinking I was never ever ever ever again going to be OK. I was melting over and over. But the video was the last straw and totally did me in. Millie told everone after the video how thankful she was for them, all the prayers and support, and that each day they were getting better, and how they were going to be ok. I screamed in my head...I WILL NEVER BE OK!!!!

I finally passed off a sleeping Ellie and ran outside to cry and breathe deeply by myself. And by the time I got back...there were several concerned family members waiting for me at the front door. And then next...I had the most helpful, most healing, most revealing, most awesomest experience ever...and I think...just maybe...I might be ok.

I'm saving the telling of that experience for the next post...because it deserves its own.

Gratituesday: Hamm Bash edition

2008-07-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

I am so super thankful that my family is so close. And I'm so super thankful that the kids in my family love to be cousins. Before the Bash...Crystal, Lizzy, Addy, and I went a little crazy for matching outfits for the girls. So fun. Here is what we came up with. And I am just so thankful for these beautiful girls who are such good friends.

Here are their matching shoes:

Here are their Kung Fu Moves:

And here is the boy cousin, my Precious Moment, who calls me Aunt Mayme. I love it:

The Kiddie Park

2008-07-07T15:34:00.000-07:00

There is this amazing little Kiddie Park tucked away in Dewey, OK. My super fun sister-in-law Crystal and RWR and their two kids Lizzy and Precious Moment came to Dewey on Thursday so we all got to go together. It is like the best kept secret in OK. Its designed for little kids...Lizzy was even too big for some of them. There is no cost to get in ... and the ride tickets only cost 25 cents...and most rides only cost one ticked...and the rides last a LONG time. The kids had SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much fun. And there is a big train that takes a ride around the whole park that adults can rid on too. There is even a tunnel that the train goes through. Ellie thought this was big fun.

And there was a wonderful carousel to ride on. The girls fell in love with their horses and named them Buttercup, Icing, and Brownie.

The World's Smallest Ferris Wheel:

A super cool PINK truck:

Gotta Love the Dora Boat:

Flying High:

We had so much fun! What a deal!

The Hamm Bash 2008

2008-07-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

What is the Hamm Bash you say??? Well...it's a family reunion plus. Every year around the Fourth of July is the Bash. And it IS a reunion...but just more fun than a typical gathering.

Neal's mom Millie came from a family of 9.
Richard-76
Rosalee
Robert
Caroline --She died of cancer in 2002. Ellie has her name for a middle name.
Clifford --He drowned when Millie was in high school. I'm sad I didn't know him.
Howard
Millie
Janet
John-58

And they allll have kids who have kids who have babies. The Hamm family is huge. And I think they are cream of the crop kind of people. And since we meet at least once a year...we all know each other pretty well. And each year I know more of them more and more and better. I am very proud of this family I am in...and I love them all soooo very much.

So...when this many people get together...you can't just sit around and look at each other...you have to DO something. And I have been to 12 of these Bashes...and each time I go I love it more than the last. They are all a little different...but in general...they have the same format. Here is a general rundown of the weekend...with more specific details to follow.

This year:
Thursday--We met for a hot dog cookout and then we all headed to a super fun amazing Kiddie Park.
Friday--In the morning the boys went golfing and the girls met to scrapbook and make cards. There were movies projected for the kiddos. (Also there was a super cool play area Ellie hardly left.) There was some ping pong going on (I totally beat The Kernel and I played the RWR but only won like once). We had a yummy sandwich lunch and then played games and did more cards and then had a yummy dinner. There was also some ping pong going on. There was homemade ice cream out the WaZoo. Friday evening there was some videos shown. Then there was family worship. Then out to view fireworks.
Sat--A yummy pancake breakfast was followed up with a family meeting. Next came my favorite part. THE AUCTION!!!!!!!!! Everyone makes and brings things and usually a real live auctioneer (Go John!) auctions off the stuff. This year he missed out for something more important. I forgive him. :) Then all the kids line up to whack at a homemade pinata that just rocks. And we ended with another yummy lunch.

There is lots of visiting, teasing, laughing, crying, hugging, and loving. I wouldn't trade this family for a million dollars.

those summer days

2008-07-01T08:56:00.000-07:00

Can I tell you a secret??? Good. Summer is my least favorite season. It hasn't always been...but in the past five years...summer has meant "enduring a painful season of life." And the glorious fall usually bring a softer, gentler, easier life. I had plans for this summer...for the summer to be redeemed from its formally painfull state. Those plans went up in smoke...well...not really smoke...more like a tornado.
Anyway..I've been stuggling lately to find some good things to fill the days until the blessed coming of September. The beginning of a release of all thing oppressive. In my mind anyway. So here is a small tribute to my "summer recovery program."
Recover Strategy #1:
Spend Lots of Time at the Pool

Recovery Strategy #2:
Catch Frogs--These pictures are hard to see. I wasn't about to take the 6 peeing frongs inside to get a better picture. We can catch so many frogs just walking around our apartments. My girlie girls and I love this...which is crazy since none of us would dare touch one.

Recovery Strategy #3:
Paint. Even at night in the dark...even if it gets on the sidewalk. Oops.

Recovery Strategy #4
Eat lots of ice cream. With Grandpa.

Recovery Strategy #5
Make a fun new project (for the Hamm Bash--more on that later) BURPIES!

Recovery Strategy #6
Love on Lil Major --tilt your head...I couldn't get it to flip.

Recovery Strategy #7
Play Ball (Addy is #1)

Recovery Stategy #8
Visit with old friends (Meshellyn and her baby Em)

27

2008-06-29T20:15:00.000-07:00

Today...

...diddly pum...

is...

...diddly pum...

my...

...diddly pum...

27th...

...diddly pum...

birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Field

2008-06-20T20:04:00.000-07:00

This post should probably come with a warning. I NEED to post about this stuff...so I never ever forget...and its rattling around in my mind and I need the rattling to stop. So...if you don't want to read about the car and the field it is lying in...don't read this post. The time I spent in the field with the car however...was incredibly powerful and healing for me.
This is picture of Gary and Kim's car before...well. Before.

This is picture of Gary and Kim's car as it sits in the field now. Although now...its been prodded and poked and we've been through it. Its seems...cleaner now to me.

It's a good 200 yards off of the highway. They had pulled off at a little semi circle rest stop. It was surrounded by huge trees. The first time we stopped there...it was...odd to see the HUGE trees laying on their side with roots dangling all around. And RIGHT across the highway was another huge line of trees. And I first imagined them flying around in the air and getting slammed into the wheat field. But they actually...I have no doubt...were slammed through the line of trees. And pretty much the car exploded in those trees...and slammed through some fence posts...and the bounced through the field a little to the right.

To me...each time I stand there looking at the tree line and the field and the car...I KNOW they never made it past the first tree...they were already home. That has incredible peace bringing power for me. That peace opens joy for their celebration at home...and a respite from the pain...and permission to simply enjoy who there were...even looking at the things they had in the car.

The first time we went through the field...we went with Crystal the RWR. I'm so glad they went with us. RWR said, "This is the most unique experience of my life, and I will NEVER forget it." That's pretty much true. As much it was horrific finding red pieces of that car all over in those trees (its like the car exploded)...it was also like a treasure hunt...finding the last pieces. Silly? Maybe. But everything we found became precious...and I had a hard time throwing even the yucky things away.

Here is a list of the things we found the first time: (after the authorities and Kim's parents had already returned a fair amount of things to us)

--A Deck of Cards strewn under a bush (for playing Power Uno--I smiled when I saw them)
--Netflix DVD's and envelopes (where they watching a movie on the laptop?)
--A book of crossword puzzles (soaked of course)
--Papers about their wedding rings
--Kim's 888 reading challenge books (Karen Kingsbury and Jane Austin)
--Magazines
--Scrapbooking stickers (including camo letters)
--Addy's birthday present (a smashed High School Musical trashcan)
--Gun clips and shells
--Shaving cream, diabetic vitamins (Gary's), razors, lotions, fingernail polish, hand sanitizer
--Kim's sunglasses (pink and broken)
--Gary's shoes (which I HATE are still sitting there...but what should we do with them?)
--Flashlight, pliers, and a homemade rope
--A cooler with peanut brittle in it...wrapped around a barb-wire fence
--A box with Kim's handwriting on it
--A shattered plastic box and note cards she was bringing me
--An instruction booklet for my camera
--A Bear for Little Major
--Lots of pieces of the car, an intact door handle (I have saved for special project), headlight, springs, trunkhood (found another 150 yards away)
--A big nail file in Kim's seat (I saved that one for my project too)
--A pack of thank you notes still in the plastic wrap (I saved those too)
--A destroyed purse type bad
--A really nice bag (Kim's bag...that I have saved and washed and have hanging in my kitchen)

And the big finds made that trip:
--Kim's glasses (Crystal pulled them out of a tree)
--A camo baby shoe for Little Major (I think RWR found that)

It was such a odd thing to do...pulling their stuff out of the brambles and bushes and trees...but so good to...to find pieces of their lives. And RWR mentioned how it was oddly beautiful out there. And it WAS peacefully beautiful out there in a field of golden wheat against a blue sky surrounded by green trees.

Last week the Kernel went out and found Kim's Bible and a Notebook.

And this time...I made a big find.
--Kim's cell phone. I found it lying open under a tree. It is sooo precious to me. I called her twice that morning before we found out. I know that somewhere inside its ruined parts...is an information chip holding that call. I love it.

Neal pulled the homemade rope off of the car to take home to Dad. And I also found the piece of the car that I think my door handle fits in. It has a key hole and everything. I kept it too.

And the Kernel didn't pick up Kim's notebook because...well...he's a boy. I picked it up because she was planning out her blog in it...and talking about some of her struggles. It's precious to me.

And THIS time...I noticed that the seat belts were still buckled. Wow.

I love the car. I wish it could stay there forever...its the last place they were...a monument to their story. I hate that is has to be moved. But Neal disagrees and can't wait for the insurance company to come and get it.

As I was saying goodbye to the car (how silly is that...to say goodbye to a car)...I tucked Gary's shoes into his seat. I found myself wishing for a can of spray paint to write "I love you" on that car. I settled for writing on the VIN sticker. I wrote "I love you Gary and Kim. I miss you. Bye."

And then I sobbed all the way out of the field back to our car. I wanted to take it home. :)

And then we went to the graves. This was much harder for Neal than me. I cried at the car...he cried when we had to leave the cemetery. I buried a few things from the nieces into the sunken corner of Gary's grave...and we removed the old yucky flowers and put new ones on. (And Laura...if you made it this far...you should know I put some flowers on your mom's stone too. I miss her too. And when Neal said he hated to leave them alone...I reminded him that your mom was there to take care of them. Again with the silly...but I can't help it.)

And now I have a brand new set of chigger bites to deal with. I'm sure I'm leaving things out (like the silly outfits we all wore the first time we went through the field)...but I'm all out of words now.

I loved them.

field day

2008-06-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

Today I made my second trek out to Gary and Kim's car. And my first trip back to their graves.

I am emotionaly spent...but I want to post about this tomorrow...so I won't ever forget.

Today.

2008-06-18T20:38:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty ok day today. I had a few moments of hearbreak, but mostly felt stable. I will be visiting the graves and hopefully the car one more time tomorrow.

My day ended with my whole family snuggling on our amazing new furniture from Sally. Life is short. Eat it up. :)

What a day.

2008-06-17T17:45:00.000-07:00

Grief looks and feels like a major Rollercoaster.

My Day:

9amish: I got up and spent my morning feeling very nervous about someone from our church coming to visit with me about grief.
11amish: Relief that said person was kind and compassionate and willing to listen and endured silences sometimes.
12:30pm: I was feeling pretty good about the support I had recieved this morning.
2:30pmish: I was ELATED when I got a call from my wonderful friend Meshellyn saying she would be stopping by for a visit! I hadn't seen her and her amazingly sweet and beautiful baby girl
in over a year. I miss her so much sometimes...it was so awesome to see her.
6:00ish: Out of nowhere...I was suddenly FURIOUS that I don't have Gary and Kim. I was furious at the unfairness of it all. I am FURIOUS that the rest of the world is continuing on...and I can't.
7:00ish: I was feeling so horribly sad and burdened that I will miss them forever. How can you miss someone everyday. It seems so awful to have to miss them everyday.

And somewhere inbetween all those emotions

--Ellie kicked over our little table that they eat at. The table had their dinner plates on it with meat, potatos, green beans, and watermelon. And ketchup. It was a good thing Neal was home at that point.
--Addy dropped a bowl of ice cream in the kitchen.
--My super kind friend L shot me a text message saying that she loved me and was thinking about me.
--My parents made a visit...telling me about a house they may be buying.
--I did a lot of reading online about phases of grief.

Whew. I am spent.

Neal will be home in about 90 minutes...thank goodness...I'm ready to be done with today.

This is soooo fun!

2008-06-16T21:01:00.000-07:00

Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

font2

2008-06-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

I changed my font at pYzam.com

for Laura

2008-06-16T16:45:00.000-07:00

This is Lalita Tademy. She wrote this AMAZING book called Cane River. It details the story of 4 generations of black women (in her own family) living in Lousiana during slavery. She did some AMAZING research and did an amazing job of piecing together the lives of these women. These women were her women and her family and her blood. Amazing stories. I didn't want to let go of the book when I handed it back to Neal to return to the library.

And since Laura seems to have a deeply rooted need to see pictures of the authors I read...I have included her picture.

I am continuing on in my 888 challenge...I have finished several books not included here. I will finish my list in honor of Kim...who was in the middle of her own 888 challenge...and I pulled two books she was working on out of a tree in the field.

I cannot finish the one I was reading when she died...more about that another time.

Life Lesson Learned (learning) #6

2008-06-16T09:26:00.000-07:00

Being loved is hard. Asking for help is hard.

I had a major meltdown this weekend. I spent about 20 minutes (awful minutes) waffling between asking for help or not. I finally did...and after I sent out my SOS I feel so much better. I got some much much much needed help on my house...finally uttered that I still really wasn't able to cook or plan meals...and that I'm just still on the edge of functionality. Is that a word??? :) I don't know.

I was so thankful that Laura shared with me in a comment that she had to let someone come and vacuum her floors and that she felt like saying I can handle it...but the truth was she really couldn't. Ah...thank you for giving me permission to say I really can't handle it either.

It's horrible to open wide your door while standing in a puddle of toys and laundry and dishes and dirty underwear and let someone swoop in and fix it. Its hard to accept the help and love...but once you choose to let go of your pride -- you just get blessed.

My amazing friend Miss May has been unbelievably helpful to me. In so many ways that are so painfully precious that I can't even start to list all the ways here. But right now...she has cleaned most of my house, done my laundry, let me shower, made sure I ate, helped through Father's Day, comforted, and even went grocery shopping for me. Knowing that I can stand in front of full fridge not knowing what to do with it...she left me a list of things I could do with the food she brought over. How AMAZING is that!!!! She has also rallied the troops so more help is coming.

She encouraged me to share my emotional vomit with the rest of my small group...who immediately responded with compassion and love for both me and Neal...and wow...today I am feeling so much better. And much more in control of my domain and my grieving messy self.

So...I guess I have learned it would have been much more painful and awful to choose to not be loved...than to chose to be loved. Isn't that funny...you do HAVE to CHOOSE to be loved sometimes. Oh...its hard. But so worth the risk.

And I'm praying that after this is...over (?) I will be able to know just what someone else in a situation like this might need. It's like...wanting to be a tool for the Lord...but having to be on the anvil. The heat, beating, and shaping are really awful...but being a purposed tool on the other side just might be worth it.

And .. can I just say that I MISS Gary and Kim sooooooo much. I listened to Gary's recording today on Crystal's machine...and I just...miss them. I miss them. It is the weirdest thing in the world...knowing they are in heaven...their bodies are in those caskets in those vaults...under THAT earth. How bizarre.

This is a picture of Gary on their Honeymoon. Oh I miss him. (And yes...it creeps me out a little that this picture could just as easily be Neal. They looked so much alike...walked alike...stood alike. When I think about our extended family...it is like feeling Neal is half of something that used to be whole.)

Cover your ears. :)

2008-06-13T18:57:00.000-07:00

Can I be honest?...ok...good.

Today I just feel like screaming. And I considered going out into the back acres on my parents property and screaming like a crazy person. Until I realized it is not my throat that wants to scream. Its my spirit. My very ... most... deep? self. It wants to scream. And maybe it is...which I why I am having such a hard time lately.

I cried most of the early morning.

I want to scream for my brother. I want to scream for my lost summer. I want to scream for my mind to return...so i can match a pair of socks in less than 15 min. I want to scream for the phone call I won't be receiving on my birthday. I want to scream for the seats that will be empty at the Hamm Bash. (How will I EVER make it through it that weekend? It seems unbearable. How did you do it that first year, Laura?) I want to scream for the lost comments on my blog and e-mails in my inbox. I want to scream for my patience to return.

I saw a magazine cover talking about "Easy Summer Living." I wanted to rip if off and throw it away...with a scream.

The question I hate most right now...is "How is your summer???" The fact I can't bubble over with the fun things I had planned makes me want to scream.

I want to scream for everything else to stop until I get it together.

Most of all I want to scream for my little girl...who has equated storms with death for her or someone she loves...and just about can't handle the CRAZY weather we are having. I want to scream for her sudden and awful ability to read the radar--and for the moment when she pointed to Pratt and said, "That is where Kim and Gary died." I want to scream for her fear. It just isn't right she has to sort that out in her little mind. I'm mega irrational with the weather ... how unfair for my kiddo to have to deal with that. HOW UNFAIR!!!!!!!!
---

Having said all that...I'm so glad that I have a God who has ears and a heart big enough to hear me screaming. And then doesn't need to scream back. How good is that. I was thinking about Hagar. And how she was left in an awful situation...and God said..."I see you." I'm thinking about Him saying, "Jayme...I hear you."

Addy's Birthday Pt. 1

2008-06-09T09:11:00.000-07:00

In the midst of all the craziness and ickiness of the last few weeks...Addy turned 6 on Saturday.

(How can THAT be???? She should be about 3...and Ellie should still be a baby!)

I thought I would never be able to pull off a party...but I did.

Addy chose to dress up as movie stars and take a few friends to the new movie "Kung Fu Panda." (Which I thought was a wonderful movie and is one of my new fave movies. I'll buy it when it comes out.) Then we came back from the theater and had cake and ice cream. It was such a fun day...and I think Addy had a blast and seemed to really enjoy seeing her friends!

Here is Addy in her "Movie Star" outfit...complete with what we call "hairbops."

And of course Ellie wanted in on the fun!

And my mom being the amazing mom she is made THIS awesomely cool cake. She used to make these panda cakes for me when I was a kid...but took the time and effort to give this panda some really cool Kung Fu pants. How fun is that! The kids loved it!!!!

Here is Addy and her buddy Maddy. Aren't they cute!

And here is Maddy, Addy, and "The Boy." He is "just a friend" as I've been told over and over...but I think they are really good friends. He gave Addy a super special birthday bear from Build-a-bear that he picked out and built himself. He is a really good kid. :)

Here is a fun picture of everyone after seeing "Kung Fu Panda" with Wall-E.

After the super fun party at our house...we drove over to Sally's for a family dinner. Stay tuned for Pt. 2. :)

Life Lessons Learned #5

2008-06-09T08:59:00.000-07:00

I have learned that I knew absolutely NOTHING about grief or death. I thought that by now I would be able to post like...10 really important things I have learned about grief. While...I probably have learned 10 things...I have mostly learned I knew NOTHING about it and I am really struggling through it.

Here is something though I found signifigant about grief. First, you think that it will NEVER happen to you and that if it did...you could NEVER live through it. You could never handle it. Like when I heard about Steven Curtis Chapman losing his daughter...I thought..."How sad...I could NEVER live through that."

Oh yes you can. And you do. There really isn't a choice. Yes...all those painful things you think about not being able to handle...like going through a loved ones clothes, their last letter, realizing you have a hotel booked for them for some upcoming thing...oh yes...you live through it. And it sucks. And it just about as painful as you would imagine.

I didn't know this. I think this will eventually make me more compassionate to others who are grieving. I can't handle anyone else grief at the moment...I'm all full up of ickiness. But later on...I can see understanding and not just, "I couldn't live through that"...which now seems the silliest thing to think to me.

And I keep finding new layers of grief to live through. Like when Millie and Wayland came back from working on cleaning out Kim and Gary's house...they walked in the door with this photo blown up and framed.
I know it isn't the best picture...but I was taking a picture of a picture...you know?
But after the tornado...Kim's family found their digital camera...but couldn't get it to work. When it finally got dried out and now it does work. And they were taking pictures of the storm they were in.
UGGGGGG...that just rips through my heart even sitting here! I dissolved into tears when I saw it and it took my a good while to gain control of my emotions again...although the now familiar wet coat of grief seemed heaver than normal for the rest of the evening.
The scripture on it says, Nahum 1:3 -- The Lord displays his power in the whirlwind and the storm.
I need a heart transplant. :) Mine hurts.

Life Lessons Learned #4 and Gratituesday

2008-06-03T16:06:00.000-07:00

God is big and infinate. But at the same time he is personal and sooo tender. And he holds our fragile little lives in his hands...

...and he did something for me that has just...blown my mind. He gave me a gift yesterday...one there is no other way it could have been...but for God to know loooong before May 23rd what was to happen and what I would need.

Kim was bringing me a digital camera. And I was sooooooo excited to be able to put pictures on my blog. And everyone knew it.

When I heard about the tornado...one of the first million thoughts was about the camera being lost to the tornado. And one of the first things Sally and I talked about that morning we found out was the camera.

Me: So much for the camera.
Sally: You never know. You might get it yet.

I doubted that even if it was found...it would work...or that Kim's family would know it was meant for me.

But -- believe it or not -- Kim's mom walked in with a very muddy camera case with a working camera inside...saying "Here is the camera Kim was bringing for Jayme."

I immediatly started sobbing and announced I wanted to find a "store" where I could trade in the camera for Kim. Holding that camera in my hand hurt. Such a precious blessing...but such a painful blessing too.

But there were no cords or power cables. No biggie...I can always order one.

EXCEPT. I prayed specfically for God to reveal his tenderness to me.

One of my small group friends invited me over to go swimming. When I had arrived in her kitchen--

L: Hey...I have something for you. But you can't cry. I don't want to cry.
Me: Ok. *starting to sniffle*
L: Did you get your digital camera?
Me: Actually...I did.
L: Oh...I was going to give you this one.
Me: ****GASP***** That is the SAME EXACT CAMERA I got from Kim!!!!!! Except I don't have the cords...like these.
L: You can have them. They have just been sitting here in this cabinet.
Me: *crying* How can that be!!!!!!!!!! How can that be you just have these sitting here waiting for me!!!!!!!!
L: Don't cry...I don't have waterproof mascara on.
Me: But...God put them there!
L: We always use J's camera...this one of mine just sits in here.

Isn't that amazing? God held life and time and people and space and relationships all his hand long before May 23rd. And he took the time and thought to show me such tenderness by placing that cord in her cabinet for me.

Ohhh...he is soooo good. I love how Laura (the hostess with the mostess for Gratituesday) talked on her blog about how God equals our biggest pain with his biggest comforts.

Amazing. And in honor of the gift from Kim and the Lord...here are my first bloggy pictures from the new camera. :)

One day in my grief all I could do was help the girls paint.

2 sad things for today

2008-06-01T16:13:00.000-07:00

1. Today would have been Gary's 34 birthday. I have his card sitting here with me. Its going into the "Gary and Kim" box I am making. Along with a red door handle I pulled out of tree, one of Kim's sweaters, her nail file I found on the floor of the passenger side seat, a baggy of wheat from the field that I pulled out of Little Major's onsies, a "Blue Day" book she gave me, and other things.

2. There won't ever be any more of Kim's comments on my blog. And even though I know they are gone, and I really stopped expecting them to walk up, and I really feel the finality of their death...I still look a little for her comments and jokes on my posts. Oh...it just hurts. I miss her.

Hey Meshellyn

2008-06-01T16:02:00.000-07:00

Remember one day...you and Sara and I were walking in the mall and

Meshellyn: Hey...you know how you sing when you talk?
Me: ahahahahhaha yeah?
Meshellyn: Well J was making fun of me because I started doing that like you.
Me: (In a sing song voice) I *love* to *sing* my words.

Well...at Starbucks last night

Lady on the Speaker: (In a sing song voice) HeLLOOO. WelCOME to STAAAAARbucks!!!! Whaaaaat can IIIIII get youuuuuuuuuuuuu?
People in our car: *giggling and giggling* A blah blah blah (I don't drink coffee-I'm not sure what the actual order was)
Lady: Whaaaat SIIIIZe??
People in our car: *giggling louder* Grande
Lady: Thaaaaank yoooooou. Please pull uuuuuuuuuuuuuup.
People: *laughing*

Lady on the Speaker to the car behind us: (In a sing song voice) HeLLOOO. WelCOME to STAAAAARbucks!!!! Whaaaaat can IIIIII get youuuuuuuuuuuuu?
People: Wow...she did it again!

She made me laugh so hard...and was a great example of my not wasting five minutes rule. How cool she was injecting joy into something so routine as taking coffee orders.

Life Lessons Learned #3

2008-06-01T15:42:00.000-07:00

Tell People What They Mean to You.

I'm gonna say that again in case you didn't hear it.

Tell People What They Mean to You.

Tell People what you need to say. Never let "I never did tell them...." be something you have to think or say. Never let "They never knew" be a part of your vocabulary.

And always always listen when God tells you need to send a card or make a phone call.

I've always known this a little. But having someone suddenly ripped out of your life makes you KNOW this on a whole different level.

Things I need to tell people:

I need to tell Millie that I think she WAS a good mom to Neal.
I need to tell my Dad I love him more.
I need to tell me kids more how unconditional my love for them is.
I need to tell Neal more how proud I am of how hard he works for us.
I need to tell RWR how hard I prayed for him when he was helping the two families make decisions about burial plans. He diffused a lot of tension I think and I was sooooo proud and grateful and thankful for his Godly man-ness in that situation.
I need to tell April how much her walking through my grief with me has blessed me. Its not fair she has had to carry so much...but she does anyway.
I need to tell Neal how afraid I am that I will lose him in my grief.
I need to keep telling the Lord how much I need him to be sufficient for me.

I did get to tell Kim I loved her. There are NO words to describe this.

I want to scream this from the street corners. Love your families, share in small group, be open with your friends, unveil your hearts to the Lord.

Live so that if you were told you only had 3 months to live...you'd only be repeating yourself in the calls, letters, and notes you'd want to make.

Life Lessons Learned #2

2008-05-30T09:33:00.000-07:00

5 Minutes. That's all it takes for something to change your life. 5 minutes can make someones day, comfort someone, hurt someone, forgive someone. The possibilites are endless.

5 minutes after I heard that Kim and Gary had died...I called Laura...and had help holding my grief.

5 minutes later I stood in a gas station I'm sure my face full of despiar. "Have a nice day" said the lady behind the counter. With a ring in her voice that said..."You look rude." In that specific 5 minutes I realized how much it matter to treat everyone with kindness and softness because we can't judge whats in their life.

5 minutes later I forgave somethings that had been done to me. There aren't enough 5minutes in this life to hold on to them.

5 minutes later in my heart I hit my knees and begged the Lord to forgive me...and walk with me the rest of MY five minutes in a way that I had never done so far.

5 minutes later I was having a hard time holding up my head...thinking of how fragile life is...softer words...softer judgements...softer attitude...softer heart. Softer living. So important. I didn't know. I didn't know.

I know now...about 5 minutes.

And Ellie and I spent 5 minutes giggling over the animal pictures in this video. 5 minutes well spent.

Life Lessons Learned #1

2008-05-29T17:21:00.000-07:00

There is no part of me that will ever not cringe when I hear about the tornado refered to as an "accident." There is not even a SHADOW of a doubt in my mind that long before that little roadside stop was built that there was a plan and a PURPOSE. No one but the Author of life--the One who holds our days in His hand lined up that tornado and Gary and Kim's car.

And I'm OK with that. It was HIS timing, HIS purpose, and HIS reasons. And...knowing that He IS merciful, gracious, and loving--his plan could only be working for the good. Something I feel a little guilty about is how much I am learning. But on the otherhand...I can hear Kim whispering over my shoulder that she doesn't mind giving her life so that I can find my way into a fuller and more abundant life with Christ here. She would have. If given an all knowing choice.

So...for as long as I learn them...and as long as I need to...I am going to post lessons learned.

The first an immediate lesson learned however...is to treasure you sister-in-laws. Sisters too...but I only have in laws sisters...so thats how it sounds in my head. I have always deeply loved them...but now...they are even more precious to me. I could hardly stand to tell Crystal goodbye. Hardly stand it.

I have loved hearing Neal's parents telling everyone how proud they were of "us girls" how good friends we were...how we kept in touch...and how we loved to be together. Neal's dad called Kim, Sally, and I the 3 musketeers. I find this ... touching...because there were really 4 and we can't leave out that Crystal.

I didn't have a sister growing up...and I wanted one sooooo bad. Bad enough that there wasn't ever a doubt that Addy wouldn't have had Ellie. :)

I will be making a greater effort to love on those special people in my life...because you never know. You NEVER know what will happen in the next five minutes.

And PS...I lost 20 pounds since those pictures were taken last year. I gained some back in the winter...but not all. Now that spring is here...I'll be attempting to ... unload some more. :)

I praise you Lord, for being a God who binds up the Broken Hearted Updated...a little

2008-05-25T12:14:00.000-07:00

...because I am Brokenhearted. I lost my sister and brother-in-law. And frankly, I want them back.

Kim (Suezque) and Gary were traveling home to see us. They were coming to love on the Little Major and love on us...and they were so excited to come see us. We had a sister lunch all planned. But it was storming, and when they pulled over to wait out the wind and rain, a tornado picked up their car and threw it into a field. They were killed. And my life changed forever in that moment. And I hate it.

It makes no sense to me...and I am pitted in a battle in my mind between acceptance and denial. The new truths of the situation keep exploding in my mind...I will miss them. I will miss them.

You can read about the story here. And yes, two people I loved very much were in THAT car that really isn't a car. And my precious sister in law was bringing things for the Little Major. No wonder they were looking for a baby. We had to tell them that.

They were the best. And they loved each other...and loved being married. I feel blessed they went together...and I am believing they were HOME before that car ever looked like that. And I am believing that God walked with them through the shadow of the valley of death...and I believe he IS merciful. And I know he will bind up our broken hearts.

I wanted to add a link to this article because its the most accurate and I cried and cried when I read it because it says they had their seat belts on. They were so careful -- anyway. Kim's parents rescued some of Little Major's gifts from the wreckage today. I'm so glad. I want my family back.

No One Told Me

2008-05-21T19:41:00.000-07:00

No one ever told me that you get teary and all sad and crazy on the LAST day of school. Addy's last day of Kindergarten was last Friday. It's hard to swallow even typing that. How can it be??? She CANNOT be a first grader. Last week...walking up to her school I got all teary. I remember so clearly standing out there on the first day wondering how it all went. Nuts.

And Addy had such an amazing teacher. I will miss her being in our lives so much. She was fun, generous, smart, organized, compassionate, and kind. She was an amazing example for Addy. I hope that we are so blessed with a first grade teacher.

I have several wonderful women in my life who home school. Wonderful women with amazing children. And I would fight hand tooth and nail for their rights to continue homeschooling. However...that is not the road for us...and we are extremely blessed to be allowed to transfer Addy to a district where our family fits in so well and I am so impressed with the curriculum, staff, and policies. (With the exception of the Pete's Pak fiasco.)

There were so many amazing experiences Addy got to participate in that I could not have given her at home. (Because I'm not called for it...not because it couldn't be done.) And I feel like Addy especially got even more than she would have had she been anywhere else.

There were fun things like Apple Day, Tent Day (where they spent the whole day in a huge tent in their classroom), a trip to a Dairy Farm in the town Grammy and Grandpa live in, trips to the little old fashioned theater to see children's plays, Kansas Day (where the whole gym was decked out with old fashioned things for the kids to try out), fun nights, scavenger hunts,singing at nursing homes, parties, band performances, loose teeth charts, having chicks hatch in their classroom, an AMAZING phonics program called SUPERKIDS (in which the characters became almost real to the kids)...I could go on and on and on. And Addy can read most of anything you would put in front of her. She even got chosen to represent her class in a video production for next year.

*A side note about SuperKids. It is the most amazing reading program EVER. I am planning on contacting the administrative person in charge of curriculum and telling her all about how this program makes readers and WRITERS out of EVERY kid and how much I think of it. There are 11 Superkids and 1 Dog and they teach soooo much to kids about how words work. For example...the first SK is Cass. She teaches the kids about the letter C and Cooking. And she makes ice cream cones that are strawberry and vanilla and chocolate. And those flavors turn into the colors on lined papers...and helps you learn letter placement when you write. Isn't that so smart???? And then Oswald with his Odd Animals is next. (Natural letter making progression from C to O.) Each SK has a "thing" like fishing or collecting lions. So each kids is special and marvelous and super. Which teaches OUR kids how special and marvelous and super THEY are. And part of the fun is watching the SuperKids play together and work together and scheme together. So its even good for social skills. I'm telling you. Its amazing. And they all have a song. I hope that Ellie gets to use this program too.

We were so blessed.

About a week before school was out...the Kindergartners put on a little program for parents and family. It was so cute. They sang like 10 songs and then got Kindergarten certificates. It was so fun. Addy did so good. She knew all the words and motions, and didn't freak out at all. (She totally freaked out in preschool programs.) My parents, Neal's parents, and Sally and the Little Major came to see it and then we went out for ice cream. It was so exciting. I'm so proud of her.

Here are pictures of her after her program. (And by the way...no one told me that after school is out...you don't go straight to sleeping in and staying up late. Addy's eyes ping open at 7. We send her back to bed until 8.)

jet lag

2008-05-19T19:27:00.000-07:00

Ellie: (Looking WAY up at the sky while riding our little red tricycle) MOMMMMY!!!!!!! THE SKY IS SCRATCHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: What?
Ellie: SOMEONE SCRATCHED THE SKY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: (Looking curiously up at the sky to determine what on earth my Chicken Little was talking about) OH! Honey...that a jet trail. Big Jet planes leave big marks in the sky behind them because...uh...Neal?

:) Neal LOVES to rescue me in moments like these.

Gratituesday Meets the Thursday Thirteen

2008-05-06T09:56:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful for my sister-in-laws. I grew up an only only only only child. And I always felt like I was missing out. I still do. But having 3 sister in laws is such a blessing that has made my life much fuller and much more fun. I am unbelievable grateful for each one...and each year they grow more and more precious to me.

So...13 reasons I love love love Sally.

1. She gave me the Little Major for a nephew.
2. She is so quick to forgive me I have a crazy moment.
3. She always injects fun and brightness into my life.
4. She has always supported me when something was hard to go through.
5. She fiercely loves my kids and well...that a choice. She doesn't have to...but she does and takes EVERY chance to show that to them. That is precious to me.
6. She is so talented at sending people cards and gifts. I'm jealous.
7. She usually can say just the right thing to affirm my parenting or lifestyle just when I need it most.
8. She makes amazing grilled chicken, toffee, and potatoes.
9. She made our relationship with The Kernel so much better.
10. She's a super amazing organizer.
11. She is so brave.
12. She is really just nice. Everyone knows it. And they all love to hang around.
13. She has always been very generous to me. With time, money, family...everything. (Once she filled up my gas tank to full just so I could visit home for a little bit. To full. At that time it was so rare to have a full tank I just sat there and watched the red hand thing move from E to F.)

13 reasons I love love love love Suezque:

1. She is so creative.
2. She is so so so so good for my brother in law. No one else could make him light up like her. That is precious to us.
3. She loves to play games and gave us the amazing gift of "Power Uno."
4. She also fiercely loves my kids...and doted on them even before it was all official.
5. She is so honest about her feelings and thoughts. I love that.
6. She is always willing to listen to me when I have a different point of view.
7. She is also forgiving when I do or say something stupid.
8. She looks out for me and watches my back. Its nice to have a ally.
9. She will go crazy black Friday shopping with me no matter how early I wanna go.
10. She is so loyal to her family.
11. She makes a really yummy green chili.
12. She loves cream cheese mints as much as me. We could both get sick on them.
13. She is also generous to me. Did you catch she's bringing me a digital camera??? Can you say BFF? :)

I don't talk about my sister in law Sapphire much. (I don't think I'm supposed to use her name...so I'll call her Sapphire. Saphy for short.) But mostly that's cause she lives far away and I don't get to see her as much...and she doesn't blog...but I love her FIERCELY and I miss her so much it hurts sometimes. Even Addy came out of school the other day and said "I miss Lizzy." (That's Saphy's daughter...also a fake name.) Saphy was the first sister in law I got to have. And I look up to her so much and enjoy each second I get to have with her. Enjoy isn't even a strong enough word...more like inhale and savor each moment. I wish they'd move closer...but I'm sure that's not in the cards. So I have to love her from far away. Sniffle.

13 Reasons I love love love love love Sapphire:

1. She is an AMAZING mom. I try to be a good mom like she is. She's so laid back and fun that you just know her kids get the full benefit of her love.
2. I love her laugh. And if you can get her started...you can't help but just giggle along too. (Think...marshmallow shooters).
3. She taught me its ok to eat cupcakes for breakfast on vacation. I love this.
4. She is extremely kind and gentle and you just LOVE her for it you know?
5. She's brave and strong and has gone through some really hard things that would make me whine and cry and she just...does it. (Like finding out she has food allergies and can't eat bread. OOOOOOH. That would kill me. Or having a miscarriage when she REALLY wanted that baby. Or having to be on bed rest when pregnant...or having a weird eye thing and can't lift her son. She's tough and amazing.)
6. She knows like a million and one silly and fun songs. (RWR helps with this too.)
7. She is so amazing to make a huge effort to come and visit us a couple times a year. That trip is just hard. I know its a pain...I've driven it.
8. She also FIERCELY loves my kids and does an amazing job of showing it. Addy even spent a week at her house last year. Alone.
9. She makes amazing homemade buns, flourless peanut butter cookies, and this amazing candy fudge thing we call Froggie Fudge.
10. She danced around the kitchen with me singing, "SILLY-DILLY-MIX!"
11. She let me bring alllll the girls in the youth group we were working with to her house once and even made breakfast. Amazing.
12. She made a gagillion pairs of flip flops with me once.
13. She just makes me want to be a better person and a better mom and try harder to be...nice. I just love her.

I love my family.

my crazy neighbor

2008-05-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

Ok. So. Sunday morning is my LEAST favorite time of the week. I like it even less than the crazy 10 minutes it takes me to drive Addy and Ellie home from school each day. (Hungry 5 year old free of school with 3 year old who is jealous of the after school attention---its just hell...everyday) Everyone is cranky from playing hard on Saturday...everyone is mad they are up early...half time time there is no coke from the fun Saturday...everyone has to be dressed and clean... --its better than when I had to dress up...but still.

Neal and were bickering this morning over whose fault it was we were running behind...whatever. He opens the front door to get the kids in the car and there is a stunned look on his face, but all he says is...

"Jayme. Go look outside."

And what do I see...all grumbly and cranky. A shopping cart. Yup. A full size -- gaudy all metal and yellow from Dillons -- CART. And on it ... is a note. And it totally erased my morning grumpies.

For Jayme

A gift for the future...just in case!

Love,

Jayme (from the future)

Well...if you have read The Road you know its like a basic survival item. Heads up people...I have spoken to myself...and the climate crisis is real!!!!!! Back up Al...I'm here to tell it all!!!!!!!!

Actually...the truth is I live by a dork who brings the carts home. Her name is Jill. And I live by a goober...whose mind is full of evil. Mostly funny evil...but still...the depths know no end. And I LOVE them. You can read about the cart evilness here.

And the note...which I am still giggling over...is taped to fridge. I giggled all the way to dillons to return said cart...because I don't have a garage to keep it in...or I would. Just in case. :) And you can't just have a huge cart in your doorway. Its silly.

paths

2008-05-03T19:58:00.000-07:00

So. I read 100 years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I'm 100 percent I just spelled that wrong. Anyway...I read it a long time ago...and I've already got a post about it. But...in this book...he talks about how people basically go on the same path throughout their days. How we don't really stray very much from the same basic steps from morning to night. And we lose things when something causes us to deviate from that path.

Like in the story, it isn't normally the aunt's job to bathe the kids. But one night she does, and being out of her path, she sets her ring down -- out of her norm -- on the counter and then later can't find it. Because she was off her path when that happened.

At the time when I was reading it...that struck me as so interesting. I'm guessing I have a path. NO...I KNOW I do. And the problem is that Ellie...has the SAME path. I am FOREVER tripping, crashing, and colliding into Ellie. If I move right and then fake left and then move backward -- guess who else moved right, faked left, and then moved backward. If I spin to the right and take two steps forward...Ellie does too...and we trip. If I move through a doorway...guess whose feet I am tripping over. If I turn around guess who I crash into and knock down. ELLIE.

Everyday that kid and I are grooving to the same steps -- its just weird. That's all I'm saying.

Addy and Little Major -- After fighting me for a turn

2008-05-02T15:09:00.000-07:00

Little but Major Kisses -- Ellie and Little Major

2008-05-02T15:01:00.000-07:00

Little Major Moments

2008-05-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

The girls and I went over to hang out with Sally and Little Major yesterday. Sally was having another shower...but mostly I wanted to smoochie on the baby. He is soooo cozy and yummy. He sleeps with his arms over his head and I think that is sooo cool. And see...my hair gets shorter and shorter. I'm loving it.

Here is Major Cutie Head getting his picture taken on a yummy fleece blanket that I made for him. So this is my fave picture. I stole these off of Sally's blog...because I don't have a digital camera yet. But I think...I heard something about a camera coming to me from Colorado?????

Love that baby.

My first Meme

2008-04-28T07:58:00.000-07:00

My friend Sean tagged me with this. I decided today was a good day to play. So here goes.

What was I doing ten years ago?

Ten years ago. Hmm. That would be April of 1998. Yikes. I was finishing up my junior year of high school. I was furious with my parents because by this time we had decided to move during the summer from Garden City to the east side of Kansas. I was soooo mad. I missed out on sooo much my senior year...but looking back now...everything I missed out on was worth what I gained. I got to spend a summer living closer to Neal...and I'm sure that was the time that sealed the deal for us. It was a hard summer with my parents...and I don't like looking back on who I was during that time. Moving on.

5 places I have travelled:

1. Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
2. New Orleans, LA
3. Cripple Creek, CO
4. Bakersfield, CA
5. Orlando, FL

I've never been out of the country. Sigh. I guess I need to get out more.

5 snacks or treats I enjoy:

1. Homemade whole wheat soft pretzels
2. Homemade cinnamon raisin bread slathered in butter
3. Wedding cake
4. Jill's cookies
5. Scotcheroos (Peanut butter rice krispy treats covered in butterscotch and chocolate)

What would I do if I were a billionaire?

1. Pay Bills
2. Buy a house
3. Open my parents pool back up
4. Build some safe places for kids to be in the Sudan
5. Make sure that young girls in Africa got feminine hygiene products.

Places I have lived?

Dodge City, KS
Mullinville, KS (My fave)
Haviland, KS
Garden City, KS
Amarillo, TX (hell)
Emporia, KS (hell in a handbasket)
Edmund, OK

Jobs I have had?

Administrative Assistant for the Graduate Department at the University of Central OK
Day care provider (my least fave job ever--I hate daycares after my experiences there)
Sales Associate in small retail stores
Commercial Lines clerk for Insurance Management Associates (IMA)
My current job: Human resources manager (stay at home mom)

People I am tagging:
Jill
Suzeque

The Great Divide

2008-04-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

I'm not in this picture, nor is any of my family, but it might as well be us.

Zoo Day -- Macaroni Birds

2008-04-26T20:51:00.000-07:00

We took advantage of a delicious Saturday and went to the zoo today.

Addy: MOM, it is such the perfect day to be at the zoo. Not to cold...not to hot. It's too bad Papa isn't here for it. (Its is so funny to me when the things that come out of her mouth sound JUST like me.)

30 minutes later Neal called saying he could join us. And both girls ran screeching out of the South America exhibit allll around a walkway when they saw him. I KNOW it made his day.

It was cool outside...so the animals were moving around. So fun. The lion and lioness both were walking around.

Our fave animals to check up on though are the two Scarlett Macaws. They were stolen last year for a while and made the top of Addy's prayer list. They were eventually returned...but we still talk about them from time to time. And we love to talk about them...because their names are Mac and Cheese. Ellie thinks this is so funny.

When we saw a stuffed bird in the gift shop...Ellie said...ooooh...its a macaroni bird!!!!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure this is either Mac or Cheese. I don't know which is which.

888 update

2008-04-24T08:24:00.000-07:00

Ok...I know. I really need to post the whole entire list of book I am trying to get through. Maybe I will later today. I am still trucking through the list, though I am a little behind. The last several books I have read have really just been for fun. But the last one I read warranted a post.

I just finished reading "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy. It was...so good. Good in the ways that it stays with you and you think and think and think and think about it. It is the story of a dad and a son who are one of the few remaining humans on earth after a disaster have ravaged the earth. It isn't clear what happened exactly...you know...human-caused or natural disaster...but things are bad. Bad like...its hard to find food and shoes and be safe from the bands of people who are out to kill and eat you. The bulk of the story is the relationship of the dad and the son. The dad probably has cancer or something else life-stealing...and knows he is going to die and is just trying to get his kid to the safest place possible before he dies. The safest place possible...is like...the area of the world most likely he can keep on the move, not freeze, find food, and may get lucky and run into someone good.

Its a book of the best part of humanity...and the worst. I keep thinking...what would I do in that situation...could I live so fiercely on nothing but survival and the love of the smallish person I was with. It is easy to think so...but even the mom in the story chose something other than the smallish person. There is no other way to describe it...living fiercely.

I think it ought to be required reading for humans. And what I think is so funny...is that the theme of the story...is such a popular one right now. Like...Cloverfield and I am Legend.

I have an overwhelming urge to go steal a cart from Dillon's...buy a tarp...and buy a couple flats of canned food. Read the book and you will know why.

Gratituesday: Earth Day

2008-04-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

It's Earth Day. And I thought no better day to announce publicly to the world that I am a (fairly new) tree hugger...and that I believe global warming is very real. And I think its nuts you have say, "I believe it." But whatever. Some of my best friends and family members do not...and I love them wholly and entirely anyway.

Although...there is a statistic out there that says that if everyone in America just replaced one regular light bulb with an energy efficient one...that it would be the same as removing a million cars from the roads. I am calculating how many of my friends and family I have to put extra bulbs in MY house to make up for them. :)

Anyway...I am sooo grateful for this amazing earth that God has made. I am grateful for the beautiful Kansas blue sky against the beautiful spring green. I love the pink in blooming tree outside that really pops against the blue sky. I am so glad God designed this amazing tree in my parents front yard that stretches way into the blue and bursts green but the trunk is ancient and twisty and amazing.

I am also soooo grateful that I do not live in a war torn country -- a country that its national resources have been ravaged or burned. I think about Kabul and how the city is in ruins with all the trees cut down. So sad.

I'm not the most energy efficient person. I don't remember to turn out the lights...but I'm trying...in the name of the environment...not dollars on my bill. I will insist we drive 2 cars to the same place if we need to...and I insist on running my bedroom fan allll day.

But I am recycling all our cardboard boxes...trying to buy products with minimal or recyclable packaging...reusing my ziplock bags (somewhere my mom's mouth is hanging open...I hate doing this)...slowing getting energy efficient bulbs...refusing to buy bottled water this summer...trying to recycle paper and pop cans...trying to buy local food this summer. I'm working on it.

And I don't really get the all the fuss over it. Doesn't it just make sense to take care of the planet we live on? Doesn't it just make sense there are so many people making so much trash that there must be a limit. Does anyone not think our air and water is polluted. Whatever. Doesn't trying to just live a little better for the generations make sense??? Apparently now to some people...so I am also trying to learn everything I can about global warming so that I don't stand there and go uh....when someone bashes it. In love of course. :)

My shirt today is blue...with a whale on it...and the whale is saying...SAVE THE HUMANS!!!!!!! Its my new fave shirt. And the girls have matching yellow shirts that has a super cute monkey hugging the earth.

I sent cookies to Addy's school today that were round sugar cookies with a little notch cut out of them. I put green glaze on top...with a flower and a pond critter (frog, turtle, caterpillar, butterfly, grasshopper). They were sitting all on a blue tray. Get it...they were lily pads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are so grateful for our comfy yummy planet. Thank you God.

park brats

2008-04-20T13:56:00.000-07:00

The girls and I were at a local park today. Ellie wasn't feeling her best...so I was holding her on my lap in the shade while Addy had a few more minutes to move around. I was sitting next to three teenage girls.

Here is their conversation:

Blond girl: Hey, I talked to Brad about Kelly.
Dark haired girl: Oh yeah...he's so hot.
Plastic green glasses girl: What did he say?
BG: He said that Kelly should know that red hair and freckles and poser clothes do not make you popular.
All the girls: *snorting*
Me: *rolling my eyes*
PGGG: Well...that was ruuuude. (referring to Brad, not me rolling my eyes)

Thoughts on the subject:

1. You couldn't pay me a million dollars to go back and be a teen again.
2. What does make you popular??? I never knew.
3. Oh, girls...adulthood changes everything.
4. Oh my word...Addy is going be a teen in like 8 years. Well...at least she doesn't have red hair and freckles...I sure do. :)

blogger break

2008-04-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

I am taking a blog break. You know that bank commercial...I think it may be for Capital Federal. The one where the guy comes out talking about so and so ... and whatever...and he's like..."I know...because I'm her bank!"

That is exactly how my internet service works. Except the guy blabing really is REAL and is my neighbor and is taking my internet service away for a while.

No no no...he isn't being mean...he's off to California to work on his life's calling of Stuck in the Middle. He's meeting up with some important people to work out some details for the upcoming event tour. Wow. Huge stuff...keep him in your prayers.

So...I'm taking a blog break. Miss me.

The itsty bitsty spider

2008-04-13T11:32:00.000-07:00

After church this Sunday...our family went to eat at Red Robin. Its pretty fun because there is this amazing guy that goes around to the tables and makes balloon animals for the kiddos. We have had many many creatures and have watched him make things for the kids around us. He even has this twisty balloon thing with small balloons inside that float around for kids who say "I don't know" when he asks what they want.

Today...Ellie sits right down at our table and proclaims,

"I want a SPIDER."

I thought she was being silly...or whatever...but sure enough...at the appearance of the tie-dyed balloon man she announces behind a grin covered with anxious twittering fingers...

"I want a SPIDER!"

And the man delivers. A blue eight legged squiggly spider hanging from a long orange balloon. Ellie was delighted. She hung it on everyone's head...including her own...and would just GIGGLE!

In the car...she was lovingly singing to her spider...

"The itsy bits spider went up the water spout. Down came the rain and washed the spider CLEAN! And the itsy bitsy spider spider spider spider..."

Neal and I were dying laughing.

It also half popped on the way home...but whatever. :)

Dodge City

2008-04-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

Why oh why you say should I be grateful for Dodge City, Kansas? Well, outside of Boot Hill and the Wax Museum...no it isn't the most exciting town. The feedlots, tumbleweeds, dryness, and no trees do not exactly make it the most exotic of locations.

But ... there are some people there who I love soooooo much. I'm so grateful that they are all in one place where I can see them and love on them when I go there. And my Aunt Sara's house is one of the few places left intact from my childhood. One of the few places that where Addy and Ellie play...I once played. Being in my aunts house with my kids always brings back floods of memories from my smallish days. The days when nothing mattered but the toys, and the sunshine outside, and what was for lunch.

And every once in a while the glories of Dodge come to visit me. My dad and my Aunt Niece and Uncle Stan got to spend some time with us this week. I love getting just a few minutes to love and laugh with each other. And something about the way Ellie always cries out, "Grandpa Les-e-lie" (rhyming with celery) brings me immense and unreplacable joy.

I am so thankful for my family...and the connection that have been renewed over the last year and a half.

I am also grateful for pacemakers and bypass surgerys that make all that possible.

Which really means I am thankful for the Great Physician.

Thanks to Laura for hosting!

Day 1 of no ugliness out of my mouth

2008-04-06T17:46:00.000-07:00

I did really good with keeping the ugly from passing my lips. I did share with my small group what had happened without being insulting to the person. And I got a lot of encouragement about the high road...and arming myself with prayer before another encounter.

I also was smacked upside the head by our DVD curriculum tonight. It was all about how important our relationships are to God -- and how if he overlooks so much with us...how important it is to overlook things with others. :)

We will see what comes in the next days.

strawberry blessings

2008-04-06T17:43:00.000-07:00

Last night, I ran to the store to grab a few things. I was greeted at the door by Ellie.

Ellie: (Eying my shopping bags) What did you get for me, Mommy???
Me: Well...lets see...I got some strawberries.
Ellie: (Eyes wide and excited) You did??? Papa, papa, mama got me STRAWBERRIES!
Me: Grinning
Ellie: You are the best Mommy ever!!!!!!!!

Ah...sometimes it takes so little!

The Little Major

2008-04-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

I have the most precious, most cutest, most sqoosy, most yummy, most cuddly, most wonderful nephew.

I also have the most strong, most brave, most endurance-filled, most sweetest sister in law ever.

I have seen one of the most hard, most long, most tiring roads to delivery ever. (About this time Meshellyn is going..."whatever" but my sight is limited compared to hers.)

I kept thinking about Meshellyn today. I remember her sitting at the foot of my bed while I was in labor with Ellie...and she shook her head and told me "You are doing so good." That made me feel so good...and I still think of her little compliment of courage often. I repeated that often to Sally today hoping it would bring her the same peace and bolstering of courage it did me. Meshellyn...I'm so glad that you were in my life then...and what a blessing you were to me...especially with the bunnies. :)

Anyway...my nephew is amazing. I love him already.

More Memory Lane...the pre-teen years. :) Or...maybe early teens.

2008-04-02T21:15:00.000-07:00

Ok...I watched EVERY single episode of this...probably twice. I loved Saved By the Bell.

HEY DUDE! Neal has no idea what this show was. I keep making refrences to it...and he's like...what??? I LOVED this show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah...Clarissa explains it all. After my She-ra phase...I totally wanted to be Clarissa. Even to the point of tying a sheet-rope-thing outside my window to nothing but a bush so that I could be like her. She had this awesome ladder thing up to her room. I don't think my mom ever got that. ahahahahhahahahahahhhah

I was so totally a child of the 80's.

2008-03-30T10:12:00.000-07:00

For those of you about to turn 30...here is a walk down memory lane.

I loved loved loved Rainbow Brite. I had the doll...and I think my fourth b-day party was R.B. Ahhhh...the memories.

I loved to watch Zoobilee Zoo when I was small. I specifically remember having the flu in Kindergarten and watching this at home.

Who could resist these cuddly and cute Wuzzles? Everyone loves a Bumbleroo.

Didn't everyone have some action figures with the Thundercats???

Ah...the Snorks. Or Snorkels.

The Shirt Tales was like my very very very favorite show. I loved it.

I confess. I TOTALLY wanted to be She-Ra. Totally.

I'm pretty sure this came on right after Shirt Tales. The Raccoons.

Gummi Bears. I think I had a puzzle too.

Neal was making fun of this show. It's called The Get Along Gang. And I think people now talk about how bad it was for kids, because it taught them to go with the crowd. Whatever...I totally loved it. And it only aired for one season.

And don't forget Pound Puppies, Punky Brewster, and JEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The picture uploader thingy quit working for me...but I totally have a picture of JEM on my computer now. :)

Ah...loved the 80's.

a confession

2008-03-29T09:44:00.000-07:00

Before I was a mom...I would look at other kids...and think...

"My kid will never do THAT."
"I will never parent like THAT."
"I will never struggle in this area."

and more specifically...

"My kid will NEVER be late to school."

Well...I confess that the following facts have left me struggling to get it together. To um...keep my cheese on my cracker. :)

Bootie-whipping facts:

1. A house without a mom/wife is not the same a house with one. I am paying for my travels.

2. Sick kids make everything hard. Behavior, cleaning, parenting. All of it.

3. The clock at Addy's school is five minutes fast. Not fast from where I set my clocks at home...but fast from my cell phone clock...which is set by a tower...which I think is probably set by some national atomic clock. So...her schools clock is really off. I know I should have accepted this fact by now...it is March. But I am only now accepting it. And now have a convinced Neal this is true.

4. Five minutes is ALOT when you are driving 9 miles to the next town for school...and then drive through 2 school zones when you get there.

5. The school lunch program has made some policy changes the outcome of "Pete's Pak." Pete's Pak is a sack lunch alternative to the hot lunch. Addy loves to get this when she doesn't want "Beef Noodleroni"...of whatever lovely item the hot lunch might be. A lunch total for hot lunch vs. pete's pak is now taken in the first few minutes of the school day...and if you miss that tally...you don't get a Pete's Pak...which means you have to eat the hot lunch. (Remember...spring break just ended and Addy missed the first two days of this week.) I don't think the school notified parents of the new method for P.P.

And tell that to the big kids who take the P.P. even if they didn't order it! FOR THE LOVE!

And I think that the tally gets taken as the kids come in the room...not actually after the bell has rung. But whatever.

6. Can you imagine the drama of the day when Addy may or may not have (I really don't think we were late! I was supposed to meet my mom that morning at 8...and I did!) not been there for the newly crucial lunch tally on Thursday? I heard about it after school...and just figured it was a mistake...not realizing the new policy. I think before they just made a bunch of P.P's.

7. Addy cried the entire 9 miles to school on Friday afraid we weren't going to make it in time to get her P.P. request in.

8. I had to drag her into school. I had to talk to her teacher with a puffy-red-eyed sniffling girl next to me. Her teacher was pretty nice...but I think was blaming ME for not getting her there on time that day. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

March kicked my bootie...and I'm really struggling. I'm not looking forward to Monday...where I have to pretend that school starts at 7:50 to make sure we are there on time. That's silly. And then...if you are picking up my kid...make sure to arrive at 3:10...not 3:15 like it states in the handbook.

WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm grumpy and I need an attitude adjustment. Sigh...I'm working on it!

The Acme Cloud Factory

We interrupt this blog:

One Year Ago...

Times of WAR and time of Peace

But the best part of the Snow Day is this:

Snow Day!

Truth truth truth...can't seem to get enough

My foot

Everything

for my little friend

oh good grief

The Kernel once said to me:

Ellie: My fabulous 4-year-old!!!!

I wanted to do more sewing!

Dear Addy,

New Years 2009

Poor Neglicted Blog of Mine.

Thanksgiving 2008

My Munchkin

I love being a mom. *** Updated!

It's beautiful here.

Harvest Celebrations: Part 1

Well.

My Election 2008 Thoughts

somebody save me!

Oh yeah....

Serious thoughts from my children:

What REALLY happens at church:

fall is coming fall is coming fall is coming

Let me Clarify something:

A post of few words:

Special Dedications to:

My Fabulous Pre-Schooler!

September 1st

Our newest Netflix love:

More Box Fun

My NEW HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My townhouse

My Fabulous First Grader

I was warned.

The advantages of moving

Ellie and Nana: An Ode to the Blue Popsicle

The Homestretch of Summer

The Little Ship

I have an announcement to make.

Gratituesday: Laura Ingalls Wilder

By the Numbers

for Laura

for Laura

for Laura

for Laura

Kim's Birthday

Gratituesday: Music Machine edition (thanks Sally)

My Healing Experience

Remembering the Friday of the Hamm Bash

Gratituesday: Hamm Bash edition

The Kiddie Park

The Hamm Bash 2008

those summer days

27

The Field

field day

Today.

What a day.

This is soooo fun!

font2

for Laura

Life Lesson Learned (learning) #6

Cover your ears. :)

Addy's Birthday Pt. 1

Life Lessons Learned #5

Life Lessons Learned #4 and Gratituesday

2 sad things for today

Hey Meshellyn

Life Lessons Learned #3

Life Lessons Learned #2

Life Lessons Learned #1

I praise you Lord, for being a God who binds up the Broken Hearted ***Updated...a little***

No One Told Me

jet lag

I praise you Lord, for being a God who binds up the Broken Hearted Updated...a little